What I said...

If someone were to ask my twelve year old self to name one thing that I have in common with my brother I’d be hard pressed to give a response. Even in my early twenties I’d struggle to answer that question.

Matt was intelligent, musically inclined and athletic...fashionable, good looking and popular...he was everything I was’t.

We became closer with age. From girls to guns, yoga to camping we learned that we had much more in common than our dislike of cheese (except of course, on pizza).

In August of 2012 we had the opportunity to share our mutual love for the outdoors, spending 10 days together at Glacier National Park. The memories we made on that trip are held close to my heart. 

Three months later, Matt had an emergency appendectomy and was diagnosed with cancer.

We kept in touch through emails, text, phone calls and visits. 

This year on his birthday I even sent him a good old fashioned letter...

If you’re reading this then that means I actually sent it.

Today is your birthday. Hopefully it was a better day for you than last year, which you spent in the hospital.

I’m glad that we had a chance to talk the last time I visited. It seems like you have made some sort of peace with your diagnosis. Perhaps that isn’t the best choice of words, but it’s all that comes to mind right now. You are doing the best you can with the hand you have been dealt. I admire you for that.

When we were growing up you were the fragile one. Mom always felt the need to protect you. Now, all I can see is your strength...and I am sure that I don’t even know half of what you have been through the last three and a half years.

The other day someone asked me how I was doing with all of this. Honestly, I haven’t processed it yet. I know that I worry about Mom and that my heart aches for Cliff...but I also know that the time we have right now is a gift...an opportunity to you show just how much I love you.

Keep fighting.

I made no attempt to conceal the emotional roller coaster our family has been on for the past four years. The journey has been well documented with titles such as “no peace” “pain cave” and “life, unfiltered.”

Life, unfiltered...this was the way Matt lived. He did not allow his diagnosis to define him. It was important for him to stay active and to keep working. 

His outlook was embodied in the words of one of my favorite quotes by Vivian Green, "Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass...it’s about learning to dance in the rain."

And now, for the unscripted part...

Matthew passed away peacefully late on the night of August 17th. The next day I asked my friends to watch the sunset with me and to share a photo of that sunset. I received close to 150 pictures from about 20 different states and created a slideshow (below). 

I have grown tired of hearing the words "I am sorry for your loss" because I did not lose anything. Matthew is still here with me. I see him in the setting sun each night.

My 42nd Year

Nittany, Hippo, Mill Creek, WhirlyBird, HPCX, Caffeinated, Fair Hill, Kutztown CX...CAAD X, SuperX, Mares CX...Halloween floods, last stop Houston, late night Walmart, Lake Lago Vista, mirrors everywhere, Longhorn Caverns...Tacodeli, Veracruz...Austin Beer Week...Wawa Gobbler...Kelly Green, Pinelands, Kane, Devil's Creek, Tonewood, Atco...Drink Local...Cannondale Habit, Ceres Park...PATCO, Phila Massages, draft latte...Pancakes and nines, Sig Sauer, Smith&Wesson, Glock...St. Edward’s Park, Pacha, 70 degrees in January, soccer...Vermont Creamery...Barnegat Lighthouse, Backward Flag...MyFitnessPal, food scale, macros, NASM, Maxx...The grass isn’t always greener...Towpath, treacherous, salad on pizza...Father's Day, Torchy's Tacos, scratch off lotto tickets...Barton Springs, airbnb, Congress Ave Bridge, bats, lost wallet...Independence Brewing, Zilker Brewing, Texas Coffee Traders, lumberjack blend...Geocaching, Whole Foods...Neat, go go...Pemi Loop over night...Flume, Liberty, Lincoln, Lafayette, Garfield, Galehead, South Twin, and the Bonds...Peanut M&M's, Bonk Breakers, chocolate covered espresso beans...Trail magic, finding dory...Lost wallet (again)...Lincoln New Hampshire, pizza at midnight, rest stop nap...Glacier National Park, 134 #milesformatt, Scenic Point, Sperry Glacier, Gunsight Pass, Firebrand Pass...Lake McDonald Lodge...Animal crackers, tempeh, huckleberries, pancakes for an appetizer, pancakes for dessert...ATV, Pole Bridge, bear claws...Justin Bieber, Fleetwood Mac, Foy Vance, Chicago...Sykes Diner...Great Northern, Bonsai, Flathead Lake...Chemo, Radiation...Cancer Sucks...Feathers, the fighter, life unfiltered...Hospice...Sunsets...I wish we had more time...

a different kind of hard

the kind they don’t tell you about

maybe it’s because there are no words to describe it
maybe because it’s not the same for everyone

it’s when you are angry but at peace; you are sad but happy

the memories that flash...the times you want to pick up the phone...the tears that fall on your pillow when you are trying to sleep at night

one month

it hasn’t gotten any easier

it’s just a different kind of hard

Fair Hill CX 2016

I registered for Fair Hill two months ago. What a wild ride it has been since then.

I spent the past week doubting my ability to race. For me, it’s much more of a mental strain than a physical one. Seeing so many friendly faces for the first time since my brother’s death was going to be an emotional experience. I knew that going into this race, which is why I made a deal with myself...get there early, ride a few laps and see how you feel. 

There were lots of hugs and a couple of tears, but I felt pretty good.

Maybe he had a hand in this or maybe he didn’t, but I’d like to think that today, it was my little brother who taught me that I am stronger than I think.

A fourth place finish, 120 ounces of water and I was on my way to Jo Jo’s Super Dogs for pancakes! I have no idea where this CX season is going to take me, but I do know that it will be delicious!

CX BLUES

Many of my friends are tackling their first cross race of the season today. I am sitting at my desk eating a peanut butter sandwich. I did ride my cx bike today, but only to work and commuting is hardly a substitute for training.

It was a rough summer, one that left me in no shape (physically or mentally) to race.

Instead of bagging the season I decided to shift my focus to pancakes. Races will be an opportunity to travel and eat pancakes. My first stop is next weekend at Jo Jo’s Super Dogs in Elkton, MD. 

I’ll also be wearing some special socks. Blue is the color for colon cancer awareness. That was the initial location of Matt’s cancer. He never let a diagnosis stand in the way. He did the best he could with what he had until the very end.

No excuses. See you next weekend.