my 45th year

the plant yogi...constantly varied gear...concept2...chsp, tootsie pops...carinal tattoo...caffeinated cross...echo dot...wild coal...weighted blanket...acupressure mat...pure kana, cbd...collagen coffee...yogi toes...thrive market, volcano rice, chosen foods, chipotle lime mayo, wonder noodles...sports recovery lab, freeze and squeeze, rapid reboot...tooth and honey, narwhals...crunch fitness, gut feeling, bad blood...adult swim lessons, finis, speedo, tyr, aqua guard...royal fitness...planet fitness...collingswood farmers market, buck wild bison...workout with mom...ocean city, uncle bills, buckwheat pancakes...gluten free...pancake heaven...patagonia baggies...camp hazel, uncle paul...waterloo water...forced minimalism, white mushrooms, frozen carrots...never skip leg day, short hair don’t care, dft, flex friday...refinance from hell...draftkings, fanduel...tethered, break the chains, the day i stopped living, hamster on a wheel...keep on spinning

joy

I haven’t been the same since you left.  

I have found myself in a place where all of the joy has been removed from my life. 

Some of it has been a conscious decision on my part (for financial reasons) but most of it happened unintentionally. 

Social media serves as a reminder that it has been over a year since I took a vacation. It has gotten to the point where I wouldn’t even know what to do for fun if I took time off. 

This weekend I will turn 45. New Hampshire serves as my default when it comes to getting away. It’s probably because that’s the only place I have traveled to in the last three years while completing the 4000 footers. 

It is easy to run away to the mountains, to be alone and hike for days on end. That is something I have become very good at doing. Then, I had a thought...maybe I should try something this year that isn’t easy...maybe I owe it to myself...maybe I should start searching for joy in some familiar places. 

And that was my decision. 
And it’s one that I am certain he would approve of. 

So I called up an old friend and invited myself to her beach house where I will sample some local beers and play pinball. I put air in the tires of my cyclocross bike, lubed the chain and searched for a few local races. I reached out to people. I made lunch plans for next week. I made dinner plans for next week. 

If I tackle all of those things great, but even if I accomplish only one it will be a step in the right direction.

the day i stopped living AKA a very dark place

i don’t know exactly when it happened. most likely it has been a slow, gradual process...one that goes unnoticed until you wake up one day and realize that you don’t know what day it is because all of your days are the same...a hamster on a wheel...rinse and repeat

one minute you are having your coffee and the next you’re turning down the sheets for bed. everything that happened between those two events is just a blur...and the days turn into weeks and the week turn into months and the next thing you know three years have passed

i never thought it would be smooth sailing after Matt died, but I also didn’t think it would lead me down this road...to a very dark place

some time between august 2016 and that day (whenever it was) i came to terms with the fact that i was tethered...that i would in fact be tethered until my presence here was no longer necessary...to put it bluntly, i am stuck here until my parents die

this realization has paralleled the grieving process...and in a way, it has required a separate grieving process of it’s own because it has left me feeling dead inside. i wouldn’t call it depression...it’s more just trying to learn how to manage the cards i have been dealt

i want to tell you something...i have a plan for the future...my dream is to buy a travel trailer and work for the hospitality company that operates in several of the national parks...i will live in the travel trailer...and part of the year i will work in one park (like the grand canyon) and the other part of the year i will work in another (like glacier)...i will live simply and encounter people from all over the world. it will be a great adventure. i am hopeful.