joy

I haven’t been the same since you left.  

I have found myself in a place where all of the joy has been removed from my life. 

Some of it has been a conscious decision on my part (for financial reasons) but most of it happened unintentionally. 

Social media serves as a reminder that it has been over a year since I took a vacation. It has gotten to the point where I wouldn’t even know what to do for fun if I took time off. 

This weekend I will turn 45. New Hampshire serves as my default when it comes to getting away. It’s probably because that’s the only place I have traveled to in the last three years while completing the 4000 footers. 

It is easy to run away to the mountains, to be alone and hike for days on end. That is something I have become very good at doing. Then, I had a thought...maybe I should try something this year that isn’t easy...maybe I owe it to myself...maybe I should start searching for joy in some familiar places. 

And that was my decision. 
And it’s one that I am certain he would approve of. 

So I called up an old friend and invited myself to her beach house where I will sample some local beers and play pinball. I put air in the tires of my cyclocross bike, lubed the chain and searched for a few local races. I reached out to people. I made lunch plans for next week. I made dinner plans for next week. 

If I tackle all of those things great, but even if I accomplish only one it will be a step in the right direction.

to feel alive

Last week I went to the Phillies game with a friend I hadn’t seen in quite some time. I drank beer, ate a lot of peanuts and stayed up WAY past my bedtime.

The next morning I was tired, but I woke up at the usual time and did all of the things I would normally do on a Thursday without a problem. That night was the happiest I have been in a long time. It was so nice to be out at the ballpark on a beautiful evening, people watching and catching up with an old friend. 

Part of me died in August of 2016. Since that time I feel as if I am just going through the motions. I still enjoy a sunset, but the colors are muted. That night at the ballpark was the most alive I have felt in a long time. Maybe that was just what I needed to start seeing all of the colors.

I didn’t complete a photo project in January so I’m going to do one this month. My goal is find one thing each week that makes me feel alive. Maybe there will be more than one.

Let’s see where this journey leads...

I do

At the end of November I received a text message from my brother. The doctor thought he had appendicitis and he might be heading to the emergency room. Five hours later, he was in surgery. It went as planned and he would be released in a few days. 

That didn't happen.  

On December 3rd, my brother was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of cancer. He underwent another surgical procedure to remove part of his colon. And then...three long days of waiting. 

The prognosis was good. Doctors were confident that they had gotten it all, but Chemotherapy (twice a month for six months) was prescribed as a precautionary measure.  

The side effects would have him feeling ill for several months. He and his fiancé postponed their May 18th wedding until the Fall, then decided to get married sooner rather than later. 

This past weekend, my brother was married in a small ceremony in Austin, TX.

Their commitment to each other would be no different whether it was January, May or October. Marriage, however, would enable his spouse more leniency when taking time off from work to care for him.   

I hope there will come a day when (married or not) love will be a good enough reason. But if that day never comes, then at least I hope that all people are afforded the same right to marry the person they love.

my road

It was a beautiful day...sunny, warm, but not too humid. I refer to these days as “Montana Days” because they remind me of summer time in Helena.

Coffee in hand, I hopped online and made my morning rounds. Many people on facebook were commenting on the gorgeous weather. I paused for a moment of thankfulness, never forgetting how fortunate I am.

I worked for ten years on a longitudinal research study at Temple University. My position was eliminated at the end of data collection and I became one of the VERY many unemployed. It wasn’t exactly the best time to lose my job, but then again, when is?

I spent the first couple months trying to figure out the direction in which I wanted to take my career. Then I thought about whether or not I even wanted a career at all. I’ve never been overly ambitious when it comes to work, never envisioned myself behind a desk or in a 9 to 5 job. The amount of money in my paycheck is of little significance to me.

I picked up a summer job at a ropes course. It paid $10 an hour, but I went to work every day with a smile on my face. Through the fall and winter months, I sent out countless resumes, which got me nowhere. Then one day I received a call about a research position that was opening at Temple. The study was similar to the one I had previously worked on; the only caveat was that it was part-time.

It was feasible. I accepted the position. Working twenty hours a week is right for right now. It affords me the flexibility to do things that most people daydream about while they are sitting at their desk.

It was a beautiful day. I hopped in my wrangler, top down and popped in a Van Morrison CD. Then I drove to the shore and walked on the beach. I played pinball and ate pizza. I took the long way home, thankful for the road that I was on...my road.