from the gut

Sometimes it is good to sit with things, to allow for time, to process them so that you don't react without thinking.

BUT there are exceptions...

For the past two weeks I’ve grown tired of hearing the things that people think they should say.

Be here with me, not for me.

Don’t be sorry.

I have not lost anything. It' not a loss unless you allow it to be.

“You -you alone will have the stars as no one else has them...In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night...You -only you- will have stars that can laugh.”

- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

outlier

It was never in question...I will be giving the eulogy at Matt’s memorial service. Finding the right words hasn't come as easy as I had hoped. There are so many memories and stories to piece together, none of which are resulting in a neatly packaged finish project.

Growing up, my brother and I had very little in common. As adults we discovered our similarities, one of which was a love for the outdoors. My recent trip to Glacier was bittersweet because my favorite memories with Matt were on those trails.

I wanted to speak about this at his service, but the pieces didn’t fit. 

Friday July 29th was our last exchange...

I thought of you when I hiked to Grinnell Glacier today. I remember that you initially weren’t  going to go up  but you changed your mind and were glad you did. The glacier is even smaller than when we were there. I am thankful that we had the chance to take that trip Montana. I realized that even though mom and dad never took us to do this type of stuff we both ended up enjoying it which is pretty cool.

Thanks. I’m really glad we got to do it too. Just wish we had more time to do it again. Looks like you’re having fun. We can talk about it the next time you’re around.

We never got to have that conversation. I wish we had more time.

the fighter

Mom called to let me know that you were going into hospice. 

I’m sitting on a plane in Minneapolis, waiting to take off for Kalispell...surrounded by all of these people, but have never felt so alone. And I feel so guilty that I am headed to my “happy place” while you are in so much pain.

Every one of those 134 miles I hiked were for you. Every flower, every waterfall, every mountain pass, every sunrise and every sunset came with thoughts of you.

I was extremely nervous about what might happen to you while I was in the park and unable to communicate with Mom...but you held on...and I wanted to thank you for that...because I needed to be there...to see that Glacier again and to share it with you.

Mom said that your heart rate is starting to elevate, that you don’t have much time left and that if I want to see you that I should get on a flight immediately. So that’s what I did...even though I swore up and down that I did not want my last memory of you to be in a hospital bed. Somehow, I think you knew that...and I think that all you wanted was to know that I was coming to be there with Mom and Dad.

That afternoon, Mom told you that I was on my way. You opened your eyes and looked at her. She knew what it meant.

feathers

About a month ago I found a feather when I was walking the dog. 

I’m not sure why, but I picked it up and took it home. I don't believe in "signs" but I was curious. Later that evening, I read about the significance of finding a feather as well as what their colors mean.

Since then I have found several more. 

I have been walking the dog on the same route for over two years and have never found any feathers. Maybe they have been there all along, I just wasn’t paying attention.

#milesformatt

I hit the Gunsight Pass Trail shortly after 7AM. 

About three miles in I heard some rustling in the brush. It was a bull moose. I made some noise. He came closer. I took several steps away, started playing music and waited.

From there it was a fairly pleasant walk in the woods until I hit the pass and started to climb. There were a couple of snow hazards on the trail, one of which sent me on pretty gnarly detour. Then came the waterfalls.

A dry pair of socks and a peanut butter sandwich at the Sperry Chalet prepared me for the next round...(what I thought was)a two-ish mile hike to Sperry Glacier, then down to Lake Mc Donald Lodge.

BUT...One of the chalet employees kindly informed me that the hike to the glacier was FOUR miles, NOT the TWO I had anticipated.

AWESOME. 

I considered my options...add 8 miles onto a 20 mile hike OR be content with a 20 mile hike. Then I thought about the trip that my brother and I took to Grinnell Glacier. He almost didn’t join me, but changed his mind at the last minute because the opportunity might not present itself again.

And so I took the extra walk and I thought of him the entire way.

During my two weeks in the park I encountered several people on the trail who commented on the pace at which I hike...many think I go too fast to appreciate the scenery. What they don’t understand and quite frankly what no one understands is that this is where the pain goes away.