an unexpected gift 2020 edition

I wasn’t going to write this. It was good enough for me to know that I had won the battle. 

On Christmas Day when I read a post from my friend Phil it became apparent that this victory was a gift and that I needed to share my gratitude for it. The post read “Friends- check on your clergy friends. Lot of us are feeling lost...”

And so Phil, I wanted to say “Thank You” for my unexpected gift. It was your service to The Greater Woodbury Cooperative Ministry Food Pantry that acted as a catalyst for change.

You may or may not know that I have been struggling with an eating disorder since my brother passed away. I don’t understand how this event triggered it. My guess is that everything that happened to him left me feeling out of control and this was a way to remedy it. All I know is that it was mine and I owned it, which is why I never asked for help.

I can’t even count the number of times I came home with half a dozen packages of cookies only to throw them in the trash only to retrieve them the following day. I shoved them down the garbage disposal. I bagged them and tossed them in a public trash can. I smashed the glass containers which held them. 

On the final day I went to Target and bought three packs. Then I read a post from Phil. He was collecting food for The Greater Woodbury Cooperative Ministry Food Pantry. I was filled with shame. There are people going hungry. What was I doing? It needed to stop. It did. That day I packed them away with some other food items and dropped them off at Phil’s house. 

I haven’t looked back. Sure it’s been a struggle, but it is worth the reward.

If you want more information on CHSP click here.
If you want to read more about my battle click here.

Purpose

I’ve always said that I work to live, not live to work and that I’d never let my job define me. While that still holds true I have come to realize that our jobs give us a sense of purpose. This was a painful realization that I arrived at during the past several months of the COVID pandemic. 

On March 16th at 8PM all gyms in the State of NJ officially closed and I became unemployed. Like most people, I figured we’d resume our normal daily activities in a month or so. Four months later I am still out of work. 

Financially it has been a strain, but I’m resourceful and have been able to get by. The real struggle has been emotional. I feel like a hamster on a wheel...going nowhere, contributing nothing. 

The opportunity to hike the Long Trail has provided me with a renewed sense of purpose. I am thankful for this opportunity and for the kindness everyone has shown. It has been the only source of light during this dark time.

gRaTiTuDe

I recently read an article entitled "Self-Rule Choices You Can Make to Increase Your HRV and Immunity." One of the suggestions involved practicing gratitude every morning and every night.

It has been a while since I've written anything. The past four months have been a mind numbing experience. I've gone to a pretty dark place, mainly because I've been out of work and have lost my sense of purpose. I don't feel like I am contributing anything. The sun rises and the sun sets. Every day feels like a carbon copy of the one that preceded it. 

I've spent a lot of time exercising, but even that can take its toll on the body and the mind. Rest days are particularly difficult. Today was a rest day. Today was the day I decided to begin my journey of gratitude. I realized that rest days shouldn't been viewed in such a negative light. I should be grateful for rest days...after all, that means I have the ability to push my body to its physical limits. I am thankful for the ability to be active. I am thankful for the days when I can rest.