CHSP

It started with a cookie from time to time, then it went to halloween candy, chocolate covered pretzels, christmas cookies, cereal, girl scout cookies, donuts, easter candy, jelly beans, cupcakes, birthday cake, breads, pies...the list goes on an on...most recently it has been vanilla creme sandwich and chocolate peanut butter cookies from Aldi. At first it was three or four around lunch time...then it was six...then it was six before and six after...when I finally said enough is enough the total hovered around twenty cookies a day.

I didn’t eat a single one. I chewed them, just for the taste, and spit them out into a plastic cup.

I have been struggling with an eating disorder for the past three and a half years. The funny thing is that initially, I didn’t even know it was one. It has a name. It is called Chewing and Spitting Disorder (CHSP).

My brother’s cancer diagnosis sent life into a tailspin. It was a wild ride, one that left me feeling helpless and out of control. With so much unpredictability, I sought out something I could control..food.

I can’t say that I have made a ton of progress in breaking this habit, but I have taken small steps. Tootsie Pops have been a good alternative. One of those can last me at least a day, if not longer.

The largest obstacle I face is lack of access to decent mental health care. This is something that I should discuss with a therapist. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to pay for the service out of pocket and the limited options provided by my insurance are not appropriate.

The thing that took the most courage wasn’t sharing my story with people. The real courage came a few months ago when I took a glass (cookie) jar into the woods and threw it against a tree, shattering it to pieces.

I’m sure there are other people out there struggling with the same thing. I’m sure there are people out there struggling with much worse. Remember, just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there.