an unexpected gift 2020 edition

I wasn’t going to write this. It was good enough for me to know that I had won the battle. 

On Christmas Day when I read a post from my friend Phil it became apparent that this victory was a gift and that I needed to share my gratitude for it. The post read “Friends- check on your clergy friends. Lot of us are feeling lost...”

And so Phil, I wanted to say “Thank You” for my unexpected gift. It was your service to The Greater Woodbury Cooperative Ministry Food Pantry that acted as a catalyst for change.

You may or may not know that I have been struggling with an eating disorder since my brother passed away. I don’t understand how this event triggered it. My guess is that everything that happened to him left me feeling out of control and this was a way to remedy it. All I know is that it was mine and I owned it, which is why I never asked for help.

I can’t even count the number of times I came home with half a dozen packages of cookies only to throw them in the trash only to retrieve them the following day. I shoved them down the garbage disposal. I bagged them and tossed them in a public trash can. I smashed the glass containers which held them. 

On the final day I went to Target and bought three packs. Then I read a post from Phil. He was collecting food for The Greater Woodbury Cooperative Ministry Food Pantry. I was filled with shame. There are people going hungry. What was I doing? It needed to stop. It did. That day I packed them away with some other food items and dropped them off at Phil’s house. 

I haven’t looked back. Sure it’s been a struggle, but it is worth the reward.

If you want more information on CHSP click here.
If you want to read more about my battle click here.

gRaTiTuDe

I recently read an article entitled "Self-Rule Choices You Can Make to Increase Your HRV and Immunity." One of the suggestions involved practicing gratitude every morning and every night.

It has been a while since I've written anything. The past four months have been a mind numbing experience. I've gone to a pretty dark place, mainly because I've been out of work and have lost my sense of purpose. I don't feel like I am contributing anything. The sun rises and the sun sets. Every day feels like a carbon copy of the one that preceded it. 

I've spent a lot of time exercising, but even that can take its toll on the body and the mind. Rest days are particularly difficult. Today was a rest day. Today was the day I decided to begin my journey of gratitude. I realized that rest days shouldn't been viewed in such a negative light. I should be grateful for rest days...after all, that means I have the ability to push my body to its physical limits. I am thankful for the ability to be active. I am thankful for the days when I can rest.

reloading

I’m pretty good friends with this guy at the gym. There are times when I catch him lifting with shitty form and I’ll call him out on it. The problem is that he is frustrated that his fifty-something year old self cannot lift the same weight as his forty-something year old self. He’ll frequently tell me what he used to be able to do.


Two weeks ago he hurt his shoulder doing lateral raises with a weight he had no business lifting. It set him back a week. When he returned I told him to stop lifting with his dick (or his ego) and to be thankful for what he can do.

On Friday, a similar scenario presented itself. One of the morning regulars, a guy in his mid-fifties asked me for a spot on the bench press. He was attempting a one rep max. When he completed it he told me that he has a bum shoulder and was advised to stop benching fifteen years ago...but, there is just something about being able to do it that he can’t let go of...it’s almost as if he uses it as a measure of something more than just physical strength.

Getting old doesn’t have to suck. These guys need to realize that their foundation is there. All they need to do is switch up the tools they are using to keep it strong.

I think I need a sunrise...

In 2013 I began a project that involved taking one picture every day during the month of January. I didn’t do it this year. 

Lately, I’ve found myself struggling for something, anything to look forward to. This winter has felt particularly harsh, mentally, physically and emotionally. 

Sometimes I like to pretend that the clouds are mountains. For a few seconds,  I am no longer in NJ. It’s moments like these that I need more of right now. February is a short month and my goal is to draw inspiration from one thing each day.

Caffeinated CX

When it comes to racing, I have found myself walking a fine line on more than one occasion since my brother’s diagnosis two years ago. Racing has either served as a distraction OR I have been too distracted to race. I walked that line this weekend. 

I was up at 6am and on my way to work registration. After a pre-ride I scratched the idea of riding my mountain bike. The clay run up was way too steep and that bike was too heavy to carry. 

This was the third year for Caffeinated CX. I did not race the previous two years. It looked as if this year would be no different. My mind was not in the right place. There is a lot of anger inside me right now. Far too many times I have been met with the response “I’m sorry” and it has only made it worse. It has made it worse to the point where I just shut down and sat with my anger. 

I saw a couple friends at the race who made me feel a little bit better...people who understand what is going on...people who will be real with me. 

I got my number and pinned it on. Maybe racing will help. 

So I did...and I did it for no reason other than to forget life for 45 minutes...and it helped. 

I ride for an amazing bike shop. My teammates are all great guys. The friends I have made racing cx for the past three years are genuinely good people.

Gratitude

Nittany CX: DAY 1

The forecast was for heat and humidity. My efforts to stay properly hydrated were rewarded with several trips to the bathroom throughout the night. The alarm went off at 5AM. I donned my headlamp and took the dog for an hour long walk.

One of my friends said that racing this weekend would be good for me because it would allow my mind to focus on something else...obviously, she doesn’t race CX.

Aside from attending one skills clinic, I’ve done absolutely nothing to prepare myself for this season. Lack of preparation seems to lend itself well to lack of expectations and so I rolled up to the line fairly relaxed. And when the whistle blew, my heart raced, my legs ached and I was thankful that the race was only four laps.

I stayed with the lead group for a good portion of the race, then started to wear down on the third lap...but I held my position and kept them in sight, crossing the line fourth. It was my best result in the MAC Race (by a lot!).

Unfortunately, I couldn’t stay to socialize after the race...but it was nice to see so many friendly faces. I appreciate the kindness of each and every one of you who reached out to me today.

nothing more

We are how we treat each other and nothing more...it is phrase that I have taken to heart...it is something that I strive for, yet often fall short of People are much more likely to remember the way you have treated them above all else. 

There is more to life than the thoughts that are swirling around in our head. Sometimes we need to make things less about ourselves and more about others. 

That's a reality check we could all stand to use every now and then. I am fortunate for those people in my life who aren't afraid to serve me this reminder. We should all be so fortunate to have people like this in our lives.