Nervous energy…thats’ the only explanation I had as I watched the hours pass...2am, 3:12am, 4:25am 5:15am...I conceded, rolled out of bed and went down stairs to make a cup of coffee in the French press.
The sun wasn’t up when I headed to the basement gym to burn off some of that nervous energy. I put in a decent 50 minute effort on the rollers and felt satisfied completing a workout in case I did not race. That was still a very likely possibility, even though I purposely put on my skin suit before leaving the house.
As I walked out the door my dad said “good luck” to which I replied “thanks, I don’t even know if I am going to race.” Then I paused and said “I used to enjoy it so much, but it’s just not fun any more.”
And there it was...I said it...what I was really thinking was that nothing is much fun any more. It’s been a struggle to find enjoyment in anything since my brother passed away.
The first step was driving to the race venue. I was greeted by a handful of familiar faces as I made my way to the registration table. Step two was getting my number. Step three was pinning it on.
So far so good.
I made a few handup requests and decided to give it a go.
The race started and it wasn’t long before we caught the back of the field who had started a minute ahead of us, one of whom went down right in front of me. This forced me to get off my bike in a bad spot. The woman who was in second place behind steered clear the traffic jam. I lost contact with her.
And the was the race...four laps of seeing her just ahead of me...no one in sight behind me. I picked off riders from the 4/5 field for motivation until the bell lap when I got my Fuego handup.
Second place was not a bad showing for my first race in over two years.
The takeaways: First, I am definitely NOT in bike racing shape. Second, the cx community is full of wonderful and supportive people. This, I have always known and I am thankful that it has not changed in my absence. Finally, racing was much more of an emotional experience that I had anticipated. The physical strain is something my body is well prepared to handle, but emotionally, I am not quite there yet.
Coming out of retirement for a day felt pretty good, but I’m not sure what the future holds.
After two solid efforts at Hippo CX, I arrived home a little after 6pm still needing to eat, walk the dog, shower and do yoga...then, wake up at 5AM, stand at registration for six hours and race my bike around Noon.
The guys on the team know I hate this course. I swear they make it more technical every year just to piss me off. There were steps, logs, a run up, sand and barriers which meant I was off my bike more than I was on it.
It was a well played weekend on my part. I knew that Sunday was going to be a long day so I did my “work” on Saturday. This allowed me to relax and even have a little bit of fun at my team’s race.
Post race pancakes were a short stack of buttermilk from Harrison House Diner. This place has been on my list for a couple years now and they did not disappoint.
Thanks to everyone who came out to either race or spectate. The team puts a lot of hard working into putting on this event. Your support is greatly appreciated!
When it comes to racing, I have found myself walking a fine line on more than one occasion since my brother’s diagnosis two years ago. Racing has either served as a distraction OR I have been too distracted to race. I walked that line this weekend.
I was up at 6am and on my way to work registration. After a pre-ride I scratched the idea of riding my mountain bike. The clay run up was way too steep and that bike was too heavy to carry.
This was the third year for Caffeinated CX. I did not race the previous two years. It looked as if this year would be no different. My mind was not in the right place. There is a lot of anger inside me right now. Far too many times I have been met with the response “I’m sorry” and it has only made it worse. It has made it worse to the point where I just shut down and sat with my anger.
I saw a couple friends at the race who made me feel a little bit better...people who understand what is going on...people who will be real with me.
I got my number and pinned it on. Maybe racing will help.
So I did...and I did it for no reason other than to forget life for 45 minutes...and it helped.
I ride for an amazing bike shop. My teammates are all great guys. The friends I have made racing cx for the past three years are genuinely good people.
Gratitude
