Rest and Digest

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade was on TV and my mom was crying. Thanksgiving marks the start of a rough stretch of months, the culmination of which is February 22nd, my brother’s birthday.

My parent’s had dinner at my cousin’s house. I spent the day in the company of animals...scooping litter boxes, walking dogs and feeding my furry friends.

Friday it poured rain, but the sun was shining on Saturday so I treated  my mom to a cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee and we went to the cemetery.  I asked if she wanted to pray and so we did...Hail Mary, Our Father, Glory Be...we said them out loud and at times her voice trailed off, full of emotion...I hugged her and told her that I love her.

On Sunday I had a surprise for her. McNaughton’s in Cherry Hill had resurrected the old Gaudio’s (G Boys) display that she took us to when we were kids. We walked through twice and then we saw Santa. It was perfect.

Right now my parents are in Texas visiting my nephew. I am thankful that his birthday is in the beginning of December because it provides them with a bright spot in an otherwise dark time.

Their absence has left me alone with these thoughts to digest. Tonight I was in the kitchen making dinner. The tree was lit and I was playing the Frank Sinatra Christmas album. It was Matt’s favorite. It made me sad for a minute, but then I felt him there standing next to me. I thought about all of the holidays that we stood in that kitchen together…so many memories...good ones.

an unexpected gift

last month i received a mailer from planet fitness that contained a coupon for a two week free trial of the black card membership.

black card members are permitted to bring a free guest with them every visit. i redeemed the offer on the 7th of December and told my dad that he was going to start coming to the gym with me at least once a week to use the lat pull down and seated row.

like everyone else in this forward facing society, my dad’s shoulders are starting to become rounded and he is noticeably hunched over. he lifts weights in the basemen, but there aren’t many exercises he can do at home to strengthen his back and bring those shoulders back to center.

the day before my trial membership ended he finally agreed to tag along with me...most likely because he had run out of excuses not to go.

i intentionally chose a time that would not be crowded to make the experience as pleasant as possible. i stopped by the house after work to pick him up. he was dressed in khaki shorts with a belt and a t-shirt, then proceeded to explain that he did not have sweat pants. many of the older men wear jeans to the gym and on top of that, his jeans are so loose that they fit like sweatpants anyway. i instructed him to change and we were on our way.

i showed him how to use three different types of pull downs and rows. he completed two sets of each, then we walked upstairs to look at the treadmills, which i assured him were just like the one we have at home...just push quick start...3.0 speed is the same here as the one we have in the basement. we finished on the stretch machine. it was a twenty minute visit.

on the way home we talked about plans to visit again. i let him know that i upgraded my membership as a christmas present for him and that he was welcome to come along any time he’d like, even if all he wanted to do that day was walk on the treadmill.

later on in the day my mom told me that she had asked him how it went. he said he had a good time and that he was looking forward to going back again.

in the eight years that i have been personal training, my father has been extremely resistant to anything i have tried to show him when it come to fitness.

when i asked him about going back again he told me he wanted it to be at a time when i could stay with him on the floor and teach him.

it turns out that i wasn’t the one giving him a gift at all...he is the one giving the gift to me.

memory lane

I’m listening to the Frank Sinatra Christmas Album. I remember playing the CD at our Christmas Eve open house, long before music could be streamed on sites like Pandora. My brother took a liking to it, which meant that during the month of December I’d routinely go hunting for it in his room. Christmas was his favorite holiday. 

This year seems to be a bit easier on my Mom. A couple weeks ago we took PATCO to Philly and saw the light show at Macy’s. The house is decorated a little bit. She even asked my dad to put up some lights outside. He declined, which leads me to believe that he is struggling right now. 

I am starting to realize that new people will constantly enter my life, unaware. This could result in awkwardness when asked about my holiday. It has become just another day. 

Today I was thinking about the holiday visits we would make to relatives during the week between Christmas and New Years. My brother and I always dreaded visiting my Father’s Aunt and Uncle. Their house was so boring, but they always gave us a crisp ten dollar bill, which made it worth it. The year we both received a Game Boy definitely made that visit much easier. 

The thing that I am the most sad about this year is that I don’t have anyone to reminisce with about these things. The thing that I am the most thankful for this year is that I have these memories, even if I can no longer share them with him.

The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

The phone rang last Thursday night. I didn’t recognize the number so I didn’t answer. A woman began to leave a message. I couldn’t tell what she was saying, but then I heard the words “Nancy” and “Ambulance.” My mom passed out at Zumba class and was vomiting. When I arrived, the paramedics had her on a stretcher and were preparing to take her to the hospital.

My dad took the keys to her car and drove to the hospital. I sat in my car...and then it hit me...I was alone. Usually, an event like this would be followed up with a call to my brother. We would talk about our parents and their health. He never felt good about living so far away from them, but took comfort in the fact that I was here.

This is the first Christmas without Matt. Something tells me that every Christmas from now on will not be the same. It’s something that I can’t explain. It’s something you would not understand unless you’ve lost someone this way. It’s something I hope you don’t ever have to experience.

between the pumpkins and the mistletoe

The pumpkins came down and the snowmen went up. Halloween candy was still on the clearance shelves when the Christmas decorations made their appearance in stores. The turkey got lost, somewhere between the pumpkins and the mistletoe.

Where did Thanksgiving go?

I read an article the other day, which talked about Christmas being a reminder of the things we don’t have. That doesn’t necessarily have to mean material things. Three years, each with a (different) significant person in my life missing for the Holidays. I too am guilty of focusing on the absence rather than the presence.

In the final days leading up to Christmas I have decided to take a step back, several steps back, rewinding to Thursday November 22^nd, taking pause and being thankful.