lessons from my little brother

It’s been two months...

I’m trying not to be angry with the people who have not been here with me. I know that you would tell me that life is too short to hold on to things. The moon was amazing last night. I thought of you during my evening walk...and it’s totally cliche, but not a day passes without a thought of you.

Thank you for teaching me...to take the day off when the weather is nice...to drive a few more miles for a good milkshake(and to not feel guilty about having it)...to live life unfiltered.

Lately I have been feeling a little bit sorry for myself because there are so many things that I want to do, but don’t have anyone to share those experiences with...and I wish you were here to offer me some advice, even though I am pretty sure I know what you would say.

We are having an Indian Summer. Luckily, I haven’t put the top back on the Jeep. I went for a ride today to check out a local brewery and ended up at the beach. This summer was so hectic, I didn’t make it down there. It’s one of those places I’ve been meaning to go. Thanks for taking the drive with me.

CRCX 2016

I found myself in “winter mode” sooner than expected...maybe it was the Wawa Gobbler I had last week that prompted it.

Sunrise has gotten later which has prevented me from riding my bike to work. This week I have run more miles than I’ve ridden. I am feeling pretty good about the change and have already dropped a couple pounds.

Cooper River Cross is the closest race to home, which is why I didn’t hesitate to register...only to find myself having second thoughts on Friday night (while consuming a delicious vanilla milkshake). 

On Saturday morning I packed a gym bag, a bike bag and a cooler, then drove to the gym (bike in tow) for a session on the stair-mill. Five minutes into it, my decision was made. 

Unfortunately, racing this season has been nothing but paying for a workout and if I want to work out I can do it for free. Maybe next year will be different...I can only hope. It is unfortunate that something which once brought me so much happiness no longer makes me smile.

Of course that did not stop me from having pancakes at Amy’s Omelette House. I’ve had the French Toast many times and it is delicious, but the pancakes were just average.

Caffeinated CX 2016

After two solid efforts at Hippo CX, I arrived home a little after 6pm still needing to eat, walk the dog, shower and do yoga...then, wake up at 5AM, stand at registration for six hours and race my bike around Noon.

The guys on the team know I hate this course. I swear they make it more technical every year just to piss me off. There were steps, logs, a run up, sand and barriers which meant I was off my bike more than I was on it.

It was a well played weekend on my part. I knew that Sunday was going to be a long day so I did my “work” on Saturday. This allowed me to relax and even have a little bit of fun at my team’s race.

Post race pancakes were a short stack of buttermilk from Harrison House Diner. This place has been on my list for a couple years now and they did not disappoint.


Thanks to everyone who came out to either race or spectate. The team puts a lot of hard working into putting on this event. Your support is greatly appreciated!

Hippo CX 2016

Disclaimer: My success at this race is attributed to the vanilla milkshake (with extra whipped cream) that I had at Shake Shack on Friday afternoon.

The first thing I thought of when I realized my race was so late in the day was “Cool, I can do two workouts today.”  My plan was to get a run in early, then head to Lambertville. Racing twice has never been an option, but this year NJ added a Master Women 40+ Category which meant that I could race at 12:30pm and then again at 2:30pm. I decided to ditch the run and race twice.

I arrived in time to get a lap in before my first race. The course was short and fun. There were sections where you could really drill it with power as well as some punchy climbs on the back end. After winning the Masters Race, I quickly had Robin pin my number for the Women A Race before I changed my mind.

There was a little over an hour between races. I did my best to stay loose, knowing that the field would be competitive and I had never attempted a double. One thing I will say is that the first race was a good opportunity to experiment with different lines and gearing, which helped immensely because I get by on fitness not technique. After a brief battle for third place I pulled away and stayed there. It was nice to share the podium with so many talented ladies.

On the way home I stopped at It's Nutts only to discover that they did not serve breakfast all day. As a result, I continued south to a local diner for an order of chocolate chip pancakes to go. Unfortunately, they were just average, but I will say that the last one made for quite a delicious snack at 2AM.

What I said...

If someone were to ask my twelve year old self to name one thing that I have in common with my brother I’d be hard pressed to give a response. Even in my early twenties I’d struggle to answer that question.

Matt was intelligent, musically inclined and athletic...fashionable, good looking and popular...he was everything I was’t.

We became closer with age. From girls to guns, yoga to camping we learned that we had much more in common than our dislike of cheese (except of course, on pizza).

In August of 2012 we had the opportunity to share our mutual love for the outdoors, spending 10 days together at Glacier National Park. The memories we made on that trip are held close to my heart. 

Three months later, Matt had an emergency appendectomy and was diagnosed with cancer.

We kept in touch through emails, text, phone calls and visits. 

This year on his birthday I even sent him a good old fashioned letter...

If you’re reading this then that means I actually sent it.

Today is your birthday. Hopefully it was a better day for you than last year, which you spent in the hospital.

I’m glad that we had a chance to talk the last time I visited. It seems like you have made some sort of peace with your diagnosis. Perhaps that isn’t the best choice of words, but it’s all that comes to mind right now. You are doing the best you can with the hand you have been dealt. I admire you for that.

When we were growing up you were the fragile one. Mom always felt the need to protect you. Now, all I can see is your strength...and I am sure that I don’t even know half of what you have been through the last three and a half years.

The other day someone asked me how I was doing with all of this. Honestly, I haven’t processed it yet. I know that I worry about Mom and that my heart aches for Cliff...but I also know that the time we have right now is a gift...an opportunity to you show just how much I love you.

Keep fighting.

I made no attempt to conceal the emotional roller coaster our family has been on for the past four years. The journey has been well documented with titles such as “no peace” “pain cave” and “life, unfiltered.”

Life, unfiltered...this was the way Matt lived. He did not allow his diagnosis to define him. It was important for him to stay active and to keep working. 

His outlook was embodied in the words of one of my favorite quotes by Vivian Green, "Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass...it’s about learning to dance in the rain."

And now, for the unscripted part...

Matthew passed away peacefully late on the night of August 17th. The next day I asked my friends to watch the sunset with me and to share a photo of that sunset. I received close to 150 pictures from about 20 different states and created a slideshow (below). 

I have grown tired of hearing the words "I am sorry for your loss" because I did not lose anything. Matthew is still here with me. I see him in the setting sun each night.

My 42nd Year

Nittany, Hippo, Mill Creek, WhirlyBird, HPCX, Caffeinated, Fair Hill, Kutztown CX...CAAD X, SuperX, Mares CX...Halloween floods, last stop Houston, late night Walmart, Lake Lago Vista, mirrors everywhere, Longhorn Caverns...Tacodeli, Veracruz...Austin Beer Week...Wawa Gobbler...Kelly Green, Pinelands, Kane, Devil's Creek, Tonewood, Atco...Drink Local...Cannondale Habit, Ceres Park...PATCO, Phila Massages, draft latte...Pancakes and nines, Sig Sauer, Smith&Wesson, Glock...St. Edward’s Park, Pacha, 70 degrees in January, soccer...Vermont Creamery...Barnegat Lighthouse, Backward Flag...MyFitnessPal, food scale, macros, NASM, Maxx...The grass isn’t always greener...Towpath, treacherous, salad on pizza...Father's Day, Torchy's Tacos, scratch off lotto tickets...Barton Springs, airbnb, Congress Ave Bridge, bats, lost wallet...Independence Brewing, Zilker Brewing, Texas Coffee Traders, lumberjack blend...Geocaching, Whole Foods...Neat, go go...Pemi Loop over night...Flume, Liberty, Lincoln, Lafayette, Garfield, Galehead, South Twin, and the Bonds...Peanut M&M's, Bonk Breakers, chocolate covered espresso beans...Trail magic, finding dory...Lost wallet (again)...Lincoln New Hampshire, pizza at midnight, rest stop nap...Glacier National Park, 134 #milesformatt, Scenic Point, Sperry Glacier, Gunsight Pass, Firebrand Pass...Lake McDonald Lodge...Animal crackers, tempeh, huckleberries, pancakes for an appetizer, pancakes for dessert...ATV, Pole Bridge, bear claws...Justin Bieber, Fleetwood Mac, Foy Vance, Chicago...Sykes Diner...Great Northern, Bonsai, Flathead Lake...Chemo, Radiation...Cancer Sucks...Feathers, the fighter, life unfiltered...Hospice...Sunsets...I wish we had more time...

a different kind of hard

the kind they don’t tell you about

maybe it’s because there are no words to describe it
maybe because it’s not the same for everyone

it’s when you are angry but at peace; you are sad but happy

the memories that flash...the times you want to pick up the phone...the tears that fall on your pillow when you are trying to sleep at night

one month

it hasn’t gotten any easier

it’s just a different kind of hard