a moment of clarity

In June I sustained a foot injury which required me to take time off from running. Inactivity and the fact that I had to cancel my first vacation (the Race the Cog event in NH) had me feeling pretty miserable.

Older and wiser, I took a conservative approach to healing and by mid-July I was back in stride. That is when August decided to lay a giant turd. So far I've had strep throat, covid and got stung in the face by a bee. The air conditioner in my rental house broke. A pipe in my rental house broke. Illness and finances prompted me to cancel my two remaining vacations. While I consider myself resilient and mentally tough I'd rather not be tested to find my breaking point.

Covid has made my lungs feel like they are being assaulted any time I try to put forth a strenuous cardiovascular effort. As a result, I've spent a lot of time walking. It gives me time to think and in that sense it is therapeutic.

I've come to the realization that not much has changed about my body since the foot injury in June. I've dialed back the frequency, duration and intensity of my exercise which has been extremely challenging.

Tell me to workout for two hours at maximum heart rate and I will do so with pleasure. Tell me to take the day off and go to the beach with my mom to indulge in pancakes and I get anxiety.

I ate the pancakes and lived to tell the tale...after all, you are reading this.

soundtrack

I have a six disc CD changer in my 2009 Mazda 3 Hatchback. Five out of six slots have been occupied by the same CDs for the past six years. 

They are a compilation of songs. Together, they paint a picture of a moment in time of my life. It wasn’t a necessarily good time.

In a way, they evoke sadness, but they also remind me of my strength and resiliency. 

As time has passed they have become familiar, offering me a sense of security.
But I am over the predictability.

As of today, the changer sits empty. I am ready to start listening to some different songs...better yet, it’s time to start making my own music.

HPCX Day 2

I woke up with no regrets about ordering that pizza last night. When I went outside to load the car it was noticeable that it had changed from summer to fall. I hopped on the Turnpike North and opted for Lionel Richie over Taylor Swift for my soundtrack.

The course was noticeably different with the exception of the nasty paved climb. My legs felt like cement on the warm up so I tried to keep moving until the start of our race. The field was smaller than the previous day, but the competition was still present. I vowed to have a better start, which I didn’t and promptly went to work. Heading into the second lap I was in eighth. On the bell lap I found myself in fourth. That’s when I noticed a yellow jersey on the side of the course. It was the series leader with a flat. 

I successfully avoided all remaining trees and finished third...the podium I had hoped for, one day late.

A special thanks goes out to Noodles the dog for heading up the cheering section today. Next weekend I put on my big girl pants for the first time in the 1/2/3 race at Crossasaurus Awesome.

the difference maker

Losing your best friend one time sucks...after the second time, you hope that it never happens again...yet I find myself in this place.

Honestly, I don’t understand how someone who is such a big part of your life can just cut you off completely. I would never do that to someone that I care about. I could never do that to someone, knowing that they had been through it before, knowing the pain that it caused them.

I’ve taken three trips around the sun since the last time this happened. My “train wreck” of a life was well documented during that experience. I shut myself off from feeling a lot of things, I disconnected, I retreated...it took a year and a half for the hurting to stop. What I’ve come to realize is that, even though I stopped feeling the pain, I never resumed feeling the pleasure. I’ve been viewing life through an opaque lens. At best, I’ve been indifferent to the world around me...at worst, I’ve been numb.

I’ve gotten plenty good at feeling pain of all kinds. This time, I am not going to allow it to carry me away to that dark place. This time, I will be the difference maker.

bring the rain

nearly three years ago, my life came to a screeching halt in the blink of an eye. it was the most hurtful thing i had ever experienced...i spent a year and a half picking up the pieces. 

without a doubt, a scar still remains, but it is one that i am proud to bear...it is one that reminds me that i am strong, i am resilient, but i am also human. although you can't see it, i know it's there.

today, i took a long hard look at it in the mirror...i have found myself falling back into that place of hurt lately..."i gave you my trust and you gave me a lie" i cried out...but i found comfort when it spoke back to me and said "bring the rain."