the forest for the trees

I made it a point today NOT to set any sort of goal for distance. Instead, I decided to hike about an hour and a half one-way, turn around and hike back. I wanted to see what it felt like to have nowhere to go, no destination.

So many times I’ve found myself using the trail as a means to an end...to get to the vista point, to see the water fall, etc...and I fail to take in everything on the path that leads me there.

One thing that I’ve had a difficult time coming to terms with lately is that everybody seems to be in a hurry to get somewhere. They rush from A to B to C and hardly ever notice anything along the way. It’s the most noticeable on city streets or when I’m driving. I do my best to tune it out, but I can’t help but be affected. There was a time when it made me anxious, but now, I just feel sorry for those people.

in the blink of an eye

The whole world can change in a minute. The minute you go into the bathroom and see contact solution sitting on the sink...but she doesn’t wear contacts.

The words you’ve heard over the past four months are buzzing around in your head. And suddenly, you realize that “I don’t want to be with anyone.” really means that “I don’t want to be with you.”

You start to wonder, whether the tears she cried as you held her in your arms while she told you that she missed you, were real. You begin to doubt every I love you that came from her lips. And you realize that you will be left with more questions than answers.

And when you try to explain that you feel hurt, you are told that you're pathetic. When you try to explain that you feel taken advantage of, you are told to go away...and her life is so much better now without you in it.

It is then that you become the enemy...but it was just last week, when we were holding hands, walking down the street, laughing...but it was just last week, when we stood on the sidewalk and I kissed you goodbye as you left for work. I never thought that kiss would be our last.

Homeostasis

I had already decided on this title, and then realized that it’s not exactly in line with the proper definition of the word...but it’ll do.

I’m fresh off the worst six months of my life. The fun started in March when I became unemployed. From there, it was a steady diet of unfortunate events...a broken hot water heater which ruined just about everything in the basement, a tenant refusing to vacate, then threatening to sue me, my business partner getting arrested (which eventually led to our building being listed for sale), a mysterious leak in the basement of the building for sale, which persisted for months, making it unable to be shown to buyers, my dog was diagnosed with lyme disease and finally, my fiancé getting hit on her bicycle by a car...that’s the quick and dirty of it. I still can’t believe that so many shitty things happened in such a short amount of time. It had gotten to the point where I went into survival mode, just waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

Someone said that I can’t help but have changed after all that has taken place.

I don’t know that I have necessarily changed as a result of all of this. In the midst of it all, I was being pulled in a direction that is far from the person I truly am. My life is relatively simple and stress free. With so many stressful events happening back to back to back, there was no time to refocus and gain balance. Instead, I was taken even further off center.

The word homeostasis means the ability or tendency of an organism or cell to maintain internal equilibrium by adjusting its physiological processes. When the dust settled I found myself striving to get back to being me again. Having as strong a sense of self as I do is a double-edged sword. When it is compromised as it has been recently, it puts you in a really bad place. But on the other hand, it is easy to restore once things calm down.

As this year draws to a close and a new one begins, I find myself back to the place where I need to be and thankful that the past will stay there.

the sky's the limit

I’ve been making it a point to be more aware of my surroundings.

Today I hiked out about five miles until I came to a bench, which seemed like a good turn around point. I took off my pack and grabbed a drink. Before I started the return trip, I tilted my head back and took a big reach for the sky. While I was doing this, I noticed a hawk, circling overhead. It was the first sign of nature I’d seen in nearly two hours.

For five miles, I pretty much stared at this:


It was only when I looked up that I noticed this:

Sometimes we live our lives with tunnel vision. Today, I am thankful for being reminded to look up to the sky every now and then.

BAck TO NAture

The Batona Trail is a 49.5-mile hiking trail through New Jersey's Pine Barrens. The trail is the fourth longest in the state behind the Delaware and Raritan Canal Trail, the section of the Appalachian Trail within the state, and the completed section of the Highlands Trail in the state. The trail begins in Brendan T. Byrne State Forest (formerly Lebanon State Forest) at the ghost town of Ong's Hat and traverses Wharton State Forest and Bass River State Forest. The trail was built in 1961 by the Batona Hiking Club, which began informally in 1928 when Philadelphians began meeting regularly to hike.

I first learned about the Batona trail a few years ago while visiting Batsto Village. After spending no more than half an hour on the trail I was covered in ticks. Time has made me wiser in discovering that sometimes, the best hiking can be done in the cooler months when there are no bugs to contend with.

Over the next few months I plan to hike the entire Batona Trail. Each segment will be an out and back adventure, making the total trip just about 100 miles. I started today at Pakim Pond and headed north for about three miles, turned around and hiked back. I didn’t see one person the entire time. My car was the only one parked in the lot.

When all is said and done I will have spent close to 35 hours alone, hiking in the woods. Physically, the task is no problem. Mentally, it will be a bit more challenging. That was today’s lesson.

We fill up our days with people and places and things. There is so much “stuff” going on that we are rarely placed into situations where we have to be alone. On the trail, I am forced to be with my thoughts. They have no place else to go. I have no other distractions.

A friend of mine once said to me, “don’t ask questions you aren’t prepared to hear the answer to.” Well, ready or not, there are several questions I will be asking myself over the next few months.

“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.”

- May Sarton

piloerection

Riley has always been a little different. I am pretty certain she’s the only female dog in the neighborhood that lifts her leg to pee. And then there’s that whole coprophagia thing which surfaces every winter. Needless to say, I wasn’t surprised when she started exhibiting another new behavior, incessant raising of her hackles while on a walk.

Piloerection, or the hair standing on end at the shoulders or from the shoulders down the back is a sign of arousal or excitement associated most often with fear. It is a function of the nervous system and is an involuntary reaction to a stimulus such as fear or cold.

An afternoon walk lasts about twenty minutes. I took my camera today and snapped a picture of everything that made her hackles stand on end. When I initially noticed this behavior, I would stop, sit her down and pet her. That was completely ineffective and since it doesn’t seem to bother her I just let it go now. It’s just another addition to the list of things that make Riley special.

White fence at the house where a dog lived about four years ago
Petie's House

The street

Trashcans from a distance

About to see her nemesis the mailman


Hole in a fence where she saw a dog one time

Rabbit

House with a tiny dog in the window

Kids on bicycles

Just saw a squirrel

This house gets her every time and I am not sure why

Wooden fence

if you're reading this

November 5, 2010

If you are reading this letter it is because I wanted you to know that my encounters with you have had an impact on my life.

I spent nearly 10 years working on the Research on Pathways to Desistance project at Temple. During that time, my path crossed with several hundred people, all of whom were involved with the study on some level.

My work landed me in state and federal prisons, county jails and of course all over the city of Philadelphia. I have done interviews in houses with no heat, houses with mice and roaches (I even brought a few home with me in my lap top bag). I’ve sat on floors when there was no furniture and on steps when the house wasn’t a safe place to be.

I can’t say that I know what it is like to live in these places. At the end of the day, I was able to retreat to my home in South Jersey. But I thank each and every one of you for taking the time to share your stories with me. You didn’t have to and I know that.

As you all should know by now, the research project at Temple has ended. On my last day of work, one of the young men that I had done interviews with for eight years was shot and killed at a playground. He wasn’t the first (and he won’t be the last) person that I interviewed for the research project that was killed.

Every day when I read the news about another homicide in Philadelphia, I brace myself when I get to the part where they name the victim. Tonight was no different, only this time; I felt an overwhelming sadness as I read the name. It was another young man whom I'd interviewed for eight years. He was shot in the chest several times and died a few hours later. He left behind a son who adored him and a father who only wanted the best for him.

If you are still reading this, please know that even though we might have only spoken a handful of times over the past nine or ten years, you have made a difference in my life. I wish that a better path lies ahead of you. I wish for you to be safe, be smart. I wish that I never have to read your name in a news article like the one I did this evening.

Best Wishes,

Donna