my 45th year

the plant yogi...constantly varied gear...concept2...chsp, tootsie pops...carinal tattoo...caffeinated cross...echo dot...wild coal...weighted blanket...acupressure mat...pure kana, cbd...collagen coffee...yogi toes...thrive market, volcano rice, chosen foods, chipotle lime mayo, wonder noodles...sports recovery lab, freeze and squeeze, rapid reboot...tooth and honey, narwhals...crunch fitness, gut feeling, bad blood...adult swim lessons, finis, speedo, tyr, aqua guard...royal fitness...planet fitness...collingswood farmers market, buck wild bison...workout with mom...ocean city, uncle bills, buckwheat pancakes...gluten free...pancake heaven...patagonia baggies...camp hazel, uncle paul...waterloo water...forced minimalism, white mushrooms, frozen carrots...never skip leg day, short hair don’t care, dft, flex friday...refinance from hell...draftkings, fanduel...tethered, break the chains, the day i stopped living, hamster on a wheel...keep on spinning

joy

I haven’t been the same since you left.  

I have found myself in a place where all of the joy has been removed from my life. 

Some of it has been a conscious decision on my part (for financial reasons) but most of it happened unintentionally. 

Social media serves as a reminder that it has been over a year since I took a vacation. It has gotten to the point where I wouldn’t even know what to do for fun if I took time off. 

This weekend I will turn 45. New Hampshire serves as my default when it comes to getting away. It’s probably because that’s the only place I have traveled to in the last three years while completing the 4000 footers. 

It is easy to run away to the mountains, to be alone and hike for days on end. That is something I have become very good at doing. Then, I had a thought...maybe I should try something this year that isn’t easy...maybe I owe it to myself...maybe I should start searching for joy in some familiar places. 

And that was my decision. 
And it’s one that I am certain he would approve of. 

So I called up an old friend and invited myself to her beach house where I will sample some local beers and play pinball. I put air in the tires of my cyclocross bike, lubed the chain and searched for a few local races. I reached out to people. I made lunch plans for next week. I made dinner plans for next week. 

If I tackle all of those things great, but even if I accomplish only one it will be a step in the right direction.

the day i stopped living AKA a very dark place

i don’t know exactly when it happened. most likely it has been a slow, gradual process...one that goes unnoticed until you wake up one day and realize that you don’t know what day it is because all of your days are the same...a hamster on a wheel...rinse and repeat

one minute you are having your coffee and the next you’re turning down the sheets for bed. everything that happened between those two events is just a blur...and the days turn into weeks and the week turn into months and the next thing you know three years have passed

i never thought it would be smooth sailing after Matt died, but I also didn’t think it would lead me down this road...to a very dark place

some time between august 2016 and that day (whenever it was) i came to terms with the fact that i was tethered...that i would in fact be tethered until my presence here was no longer necessary...to put it bluntly, i am stuck here until my parents die

this realization has paralleled the grieving process...and in a way, it has required a separate grieving process of it’s own because it has left me feeling dead inside. i wouldn’t call it depression...it’s more just trying to learn how to manage the cards i have been dealt

i want to tell you something...i have a plan for the future...my dream is to buy a travel trailer and work for the hospitality company that operates in several of the national parks...i will live in the travel trailer...and part of the year i will work in one park (like the grand canyon) and the other part of the year i will work in another (like glacier)...i will live simply and encounter people from all over the world. it will be a great adventure. i am hopeful.

oh those Wildwood days...

When you’re eleven years old, the drive to Wildwood feels like an eternity. 

In the late 80’s my mom drove a sandalwood Ford Taurus station wagon with a seat that popped up in what we called “the back back.” It was the premium spot for long journeys like the one to the Jersey Shore so we had to take turns sitting there.

Growing up, we didn’t go on vacation like most families. My father worked all the time so it was my mother who took us on short trips to visit my grandmother and her two sisters who spent the summer in Wildwood.

Helen, Sis and Ann rented a small two bedroom apartment at the Sunnyside Motel on 13th and Surf. When the three of us arrived it was definitely close quarters. One double bed, two twin beds and a fold out sofa allowed just enough room for the six of us.

Upon our arrival I'd walk a few blocks to the Little Giant Market for a loaf of bread and a game of Donkey Kong. My grandmom always made sure we were well fed and had a good time. Pizza at Mack’s, Curley’s Fries, Sea Shell Ice Cream and Samuel’s Pancakes were all consumed on a daily basis. On occasion we would have to get fancy and go to Ed Zaberers or Duffy’s on the Lake, but she also made sure she treated us to a day at Raging Waters Water Park as well as several rounds of miniature golf at Hassles.

We would hit the beach, but never for more than a few hours. My brother and I both preferred the boardwalk, not for the rides but for the games. Each night we’d spend our allowance playing games and earning tickets, which we’d cash in for prizes. Sometimes we’d spend an entire summer saving for one big item like a Sony Watchman. Inevitably there would be a surplus after attaining said item which left us with a plethora or trinkets like Chinese finger traps and plastic kazoos.

My mom always felt better about us spending our money on something that would yield us something rather than waste it on the crane game, which we did play our fair share of, especially the summer when the coveted prize was a large white plastic mug with a California Raisins logo printed on it.

On the last day of our visit we would go to the boardwalk and stock up on fudge and saltwater taffy before making the long trip home during which I would listen to one of the two cassettes I owned, Bruce Springsteen Born in the USA or the Beach Boys Greatest hits Volume 1. 

I’m happy to reminisce on these times, but sad for the reason I have done it on the past two anniversaries of my brother’s passing. They say a picture is worth a thousand memories, but I think that just one memory is worth thousands more.

sit on it

Just before the holidays I was having some pretty significant discomfort in my lower back. I am fairly active and my job as a personal trainer depends on my body having its shit together. For this reason, I have incorporated yoga, massage and chiropractic into my “preventive maintenance” schedule. There is a statement on the wall at the chiropractor’s office that says something like “13 hours per day” is the average amount of time we spend sitting. This obviously was a contributing factor to my lower back discomfort. 

I thought to remedy the situation by purchasing a better desk chair, a really fancy ergonomic one, but they proved to be too expensive. I expanded my search to craigslist and found a couple Herman Miller chairs that fit my budget. Then I gave it some more thought...you know what...instead of spending $300 on a new chair (so I can continue to sit more) why don’t I just reduce the amount of time I spend sitting...and that’s exactly what I did. 

Treat the cause not the symptom.

rebuilding

For as active as I am, I’ve been pretty fortunate to remain injury free.

About six weeks ago I began experiencing pain in my right quadricep. I had a massage to work it out and continued as I had been, but the pain returned. This time it spread to my right glute and hamstring. 

At my next massage therapy session we delved a little bit deeper in an attempt to discover the root of the problem. We talked about my recent exercise patterns. Had anything changed? 

Thankfully I am anal retentive about tracking my workouts. This allowed me to easily determine that not only had I increased the weight during leg workouts, I had also increased the volume (by adding two days of a short body weight routine). 

The result...my right quadricep became significantly stronger than my left and my quadriceps (in general) became significantly stronger than my hamstrings.

Once we identified the source of the problem we were able to come up with a strategy for correcting it. I’m working on strengthening my posterior chain. I’m working on regaining balance with single leg exercises. 

I’m working on body awareness, not only in regard to pain, but also when it comes to breathing...this has proven to be the most challenging part of the rebuilding process.

reloading

I’m pretty good friends with this guy at the gym. There are times when I catch him lifting with shitty form and I’ll call him out on it. The problem is that he is frustrated that his fifty-something year old self cannot lift the same weight as his forty-something year old self. He’ll frequently tell me what he used to be able to do.


Two weeks ago he hurt his shoulder doing lateral raises with a weight he had no business lifting. It set him back a week. When he returned I told him to stop lifting with his dick (or his ego) and to be thankful for what he can do.

On Friday, a similar scenario presented itself. One of the morning regulars, a guy in his mid-fifties asked me for a spot on the bench press. He was attempting a one rep max. When he completed it he told me that he has a bum shoulder and was advised to stop benching fifteen years ago...but, there is just something about being able to do it that he can’t let go of...it’s almost as if he uses it as a measure of something more than just physical strength.

Getting old doesn’t have to suck. These guys need to realize that their foundation is there. All they need to do is switch up the tools they are using to keep it strong.