Do you believe in Matt-gic?

The past week has been mentally and emotionally draining. I had three phone consultations with nutrition coaches, each of which lasted well over an hour. Those conversations touched on some of the things I have struggled with emotionally since the loss of my brother in 2016. I remarked that he would be so disappointed in me right now. That was one of the driving factors for wanting to make a change. It is time to start living again. It is time to start allowing myself to have enjoyable experiences. It is time to start recognizing that I deserve happiness.

My final phone consultation was on Monday evening and this woman ended up being my choice. Our conversation finished waaaaay past my bedtime so I quickly brushed my teeth, turned off the lights and crawled into bed. A few minutes later the room was lit and the light switch was in the “on” position. 

I don’t know what you believe or think but I know for a fact that was Matt. 

In that moment, the lights came on for me both figuratively and literally.

Rest and Digest

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade was on TV and my mom was crying. Thanksgiving marks the start of a rough stretch of months, the culmination of which is February 22nd, my brother’s birthday.

My parent’s had dinner at my cousin’s house. I spent the day in the company of animals...scooping litter boxes, walking dogs and feeding my furry friends.

Friday it poured rain, but the sun was shining on Saturday so I treated  my mom to a cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee and we went to the cemetery.  I asked if she wanted to pray and so we did...Hail Mary, Our Father, Glory Be...we said them out loud and at times her voice trailed off, full of emotion...I hugged her and told her that I love her.

On Sunday I had a surprise for her. McNaughton’s in Cherry Hill had resurrected the old Gaudio’s (G Boys) display that she took us to when we were kids. We walked through twice and then we saw Santa. It was perfect.

Right now my parents are in Texas visiting my nephew. I am thankful that his birthday is in the beginning of December because it provides them with a bright spot in an otherwise dark time.

Their absence has left me alone with these thoughts to digest. Tonight I was in the kitchen making dinner. The tree was lit and I was playing the Frank Sinatra Christmas album. It was Matt’s favorite. It made me sad for a minute, but then I felt him there standing next to me. I thought about all of the holidays that we stood in that kitchen together…so many memories...good ones.

a moment of clarity

In June I sustained a foot injury which required me to take time off from running. Inactivity and the fact that I had to cancel my first vacation (the Race the Cog event in NH) had me feeling pretty miserable.

Older and wiser, I took a conservative approach to healing and by mid-July I was back in stride. That is when August decided to lay a giant turd. So far I've had strep throat, covid and got stung in the face by a bee. The air conditioner in my rental house broke. A pipe in my rental house broke. Illness and finances prompted me to cancel my two remaining vacations. While I consider myself resilient and mentally tough I'd rather not be tested to find my breaking point.

Covid has made my lungs feel like they are being assaulted any time I try to put forth a strenuous cardiovascular effort. As a result, I've spent a lot of time walking. It gives me time to think and in that sense it is therapeutic.

I've come to the realization that not much has changed about my body since the foot injury in June. I've dialed back the frequency, duration and intensity of my exercise which has been extremely challenging.

Tell me to workout for two hours at maximum heart rate and I will do so with pleasure. Tell me to take the day off and go to the beach with my mom to indulge in pancakes and I get anxiety.

I ate the pancakes and lived to tell the tale...after all, you are reading this.

one foot in front of the other

Not many people will understand why this picture is such a big deal. To say that Covid created the perfect storm would be an understatement. I’ve struggled severely with mental health issues for the past two years. Part of this was a self imposed lifestyle of depravation. I am trying to shake it off but it isn’t easy. Today was a small step in the right direction.

an unexpected gift 2020 edition

I wasn’t going to write this. It was good enough for me to know that I had won the battle. 

On Christmas Day when I read a post from my friend Phil it became apparent that this victory was a gift and that I needed to share my gratitude for it. The post read “Friends- check on your clergy friends. Lot of us are feeling lost...”

And so Phil, I wanted to say “Thank You” for my unexpected gift. It was your service to The Greater Woodbury Cooperative Ministry Food Pantry that acted as a catalyst for change.

You may or may not know that I have been struggling with an eating disorder since my brother passed away. I don’t understand how this event triggered it. My guess is that everything that happened to him left me feeling out of control and this was a way to remedy it. All I know is that it was mine and I owned it, which is why I never asked for help.

I can’t even count the number of times I came home with half a dozen packages of cookies only to throw them in the trash only to retrieve them the following day. I shoved them down the garbage disposal. I bagged them and tossed them in a public trash can. I smashed the glass containers which held them. 

On the final day I went to Target and bought three packs. Then I read a post from Phil. He was collecting food for The Greater Woodbury Cooperative Ministry Food Pantry. I was filled with shame. There are people going hungry. What was I doing? It needed to stop. It did. That day I packed them away with some other food items and dropped them off at Phil’s house. 

I haven’t looked back. Sure it’s been a struggle, but it is worth the reward.

If you want more information on CHSP click here.
If you want to read more about my battle click here.

Purpose

I’ve always said that I work to live, not live to work and that I’d never let my job define me. While that still holds true I have come to realize that our jobs give us a sense of purpose. This was a painful realization that I arrived at during the past several months of the COVID pandemic. 

On March 16th at 8PM all gyms in the State of NJ officially closed and I became unemployed. Like most people, I figured we’d resume our normal daily activities in a month or so. Four months later I am still out of work. 

Financially it has been a strain, but I’m resourceful and have been able to get by. The real struggle has been emotional. I feel like a hamster on a wheel...going nowhere, contributing nothing. 

The opportunity to hike the Long Trail has provided me with a renewed sense of purpose. I am thankful for this opportunity and for the kindness everyone has shown. It has been the only source of light during this dark time.

gRaTiTuDe

I recently read an article entitled "Self-Rule Choices You Can Make to Increase Your HRV and Immunity." One of the suggestions involved practicing gratitude every morning and every night.

It has been a while since I've written anything. The past four months have been a mind numbing experience. I've gone to a pretty dark place, mainly because I've been out of work and have lost my sense of purpose. I don't feel like I am contributing anything. The sun rises and the sun sets. Every day feels like a carbon copy of the one that preceded it. 

I've spent a lot of time exercising, but even that can take its toll on the body and the mind. Rest days are particularly difficult. Today was a rest day. Today was the day I decided to begin my journey of gratitude. I realized that rest days shouldn't been viewed in such a negative light. I should be grateful for rest days...after all, that means I have the ability to push my body to its physical limits. I am thankful for the ability to be active. I am thankful for the days when I can rest.