January 31: Recap

This is the second year in a row that I did this project. As some of you know, I received an unexpected surprise this month. Each day I take a step toward moving beyond this. Stay with me for another month as I continue this journey.

January 30: Adi

it's always windy in south jersey...

or at least that's the way it seems. 

During my first year of training the wind really bothered me. I would carefully plan my most important workouts on the days that forecasted the least amount of wind. A windy day would be spent inside on the rollers or running. Eventually, it became less of a factor. Now I have gotten to the point where it no longer dictates my plans to ride.  

There are days when I will pedal 16 miles into a headwind only to have the winds change direction and I'll have to pedal 16 miles back into a headwind. 

Cycling is no different than anything else in life...conditions aren't always calm or favorable...sometimes they will change direction without warning...life doesn't come with a five day forecast. 

I'd like to think that the headwinds help me to build character...make me stronger...increase my mental toughness. I bury my head and keep moving forward.

January 29: Ink

A little shiny, but you get the picture...

bring the rain

nearly three years ago, my life came to a screeching halt in the blink of an eye. it was the most hurtful thing i had ever experienced...i spent a year and a half picking up the pieces. 

without a doubt, a scar still remains, but it is one that i am proud to bear...it is one that reminds me that i am strong, i am resilient, but i am also human. although you can't see it, i know it's there.

today, i took a long hard look at it in the mirror...i have found myself falling back into that place of hurt lately..."i gave you my trust and you gave me a lie" i cried out...but i found comfort when it spoke back to me and said "bring the rain."

January 28: Signs

Five years have passed and the signs still surround me.

http://dhappycamper.blogspot.com/2009/02/signs.html

January 27: West

duality

Life is a constant struggle between progress and comfort...between convenience and sacrifice...between holding on and letting go. We don't want to live in the past, but if we look too far into the future, we will miss the present.

Like two sides of a coin, we are constantly flipping...heads or tails...heads or tails...and when we don’t like the outcome we just toss the coin again.

January 26: Jackpot

in pictures

January 25: Tandem

choices

Two hours of solitude...I returned to the car and turned on my phone. The message that was waiting caught me in the gut. I couldn’t breathe.

I said, “It’s funny when someone is doing something that they know is wrong, they cut off the people in their life who will call them out on their bullshit.” My friend replied, “People are going to make choices, there’s nothing you can do about it.”

People will make choices that you don’t agree with...part of being an adult is accepting those decisions gracefully, no matter how much they hurt...part of being a friend is respecting those decisions, no matter how much you disagree with them.

thanks for the memories...

Franklin fountain, Washington Square, used books...The Help...gelato...Walt Whitman Bridge...Freedom Tour...Wildwood...hiking boots...The Pinnacle, Martin Guitar Factory, Hunter Hayes, Bethlehem Brew Works...bagels with cream cheese, wawa coffee...PASA Bike ride, Victory brewing company...Delaware Water Gap, Mount Tammany, fire roads, Sunfish Pond, Allentown Brew Works...cyclcocross, Stoudt's, Cooper River...Pumpkin Ice Cream, Nifty Fifty's, Milk Shakes, Richmans...Trader Joes...Tap Shoes...Asbury Park, Jackson Outlets, Lucky Jeans...Chester Casino, Good Friday, free buffet...Sweet Baby Jesus, Du Claw Brewing Company, Elk Neck State Park, Susquehanna State Park, geocaching...carving pumkins, trick or treat, fantasy football...chess, mancala, mad libs, scrabble, yahtzee, candy crush...a big bowl of popcorn...roasted veggies...growlers...Northern Liberties, date night, Barcade, Honey's Sit n' Eat...Cocco's Pizza...Pumking...Ocean City, Kohr Brothers, Mack and Manco, Jilly’s Arcade, skee ball, pinball, photo booth, carmel corn, back roads...Sunday Dinner...Zoey Jane...softball...Cape May Brewing Company, Listing all 50 states, Hawk Haven Winery, Anglesea Pub, Wings, Can I get more coffee...french fries, fireworks, hide the baby...Faimount Chiropractor...yoga...bikes, keep pedaling...massage, magic hands, falling asleep, so relaxed...SafetySuit, Gotye, Ray Lamontagne, Endless Love...I’m never gonna let you go, gonna hold you in my arms forever, car karaoke...Hank the hair, Connie cold sore...listening to you play guitar...Skunk Hollow, spring break...Chester Casino, Good Friday, free buffet...Iron Hill Twilight Crit...Catskills, camping, Peekamoose, Table, Cornell, Wittenberg, Slide...Lancaster Brewing Company, full moon, the Wolf Sanctuary...Sly Fox Brewing Company...Uzu, Triumph, you foorgot my cookie...Phillies games...breakfast for dinner...The Pop Shop...Iron Hill, sweet potato fries...secret sushi, they’re playing our song...hiding in the other room, boo, scaring you for free...wedgies...emo...bowling....mini golf...Christmas shopping, Kohl’s, midnight mass, meeting my brother, happy new year...trim the fat...I love you, my little goldfish...just hold on...just hold on...

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
- Maya Angelou

January 24: Beets

trim the fat

Winter to Spring to Summer, then Fall...endless miles on a bike...countless hours training and traveling to group rides or races. I peeled away the layers until the only things remaining were me and my bike.

And I felt disconnected, but helpless. And I had burned bridges, but I didn't really care. It was a hole that only I could dig myself out of...just hold on...just hold on.

I hit reset. I apologized. I reconnected.


Sometimes you need to lose yourself a little to find yourself.

January 23: Savasana

unearthed

I've been digging up these pieces...fragments of myself that have been hidden deep below the surface...each one of them, like a buried treasure. I am the only one who knows how to put them back together.

At the same time, I am uncovering truths...things that have been concealed from me, unknowingly. This story, though, is a bit more complicated and I may never see the complete picture.

You said that my writing could sell books. I never thought so. Perhaps it's because the words speak to you.

Love is a cage...these words on a page, carry the pain, they don't free it.

January 22: Janus

clarity

Earlier in the week I took my CX bike to Batsto to ride the trails. My mountain bike has been sitting in the basement collecting dust. I purchased it over a year ago and have only been on it a handful of times because the local parks are too challenging for me. I am afraid of getting hurt or falling off the side of a cliff. Batsto is flat. The trail twists and turns in certain sections, but it's not overly technical. If I could ride it on my CX bike then I will be fine on a mountain bike.

I had no idea what to expect while riding the 18 mile trail. When I first started pedaling, I was a bit tentative, accelerating and braking inconsistently, but then I found more of a flow...until I body checked a small tree...caught a root with my back tire...missed another tree head on...went off the trail and into the brush...caught my hamstring on the down tube when slamming on the brakes to avoid flipping over a huge log that came out of nowhere. This went on for nearly two hours. What I finally realized was that I needed to look ahead of me...look ahead to where I want to go...it made the most sense, after all, in every race I won this season, not once did I look over my shoulder.

The lesson that I learned that day is so valuable because of the way it transfers into every day life. The past is behind me and I have no intentions on going back there...stay focused on where I want to go and I will stay on track.

January 21: Caffeinated

my voice

this is my voice...it is telling you that i am sorry for letting you down when i was too proud to admit that i was wrong...it is saying that i love you when i was afraid of getting close...it is asking to be held when i was scared you would tell me "no"

all these things...all these things...too late

it's not that i lost my voice, it's just that i never had the courage to speak up...you see, i am much better with the words that fall on these pages

demons

I chased my demons for 18 miles. There were twists and turns and views of the pines. My heart raced and my breathing became labored...and I pedaled on and on... 

I drove home in silence, faced with a new revelation...it was my demons that had been chasing me. 

I arrived home and got out of the car. 

From this day forward I am done running.

January 20: Batsto

January 19: that kinda day

scars

Over the past month I've been in extreme heat (Bikram) and extreme cold (cycling in the polar vortex). During this time I've noticed the way my scars change color depending on the temperature. I don't know why they do this and it really doesn't matter. It's just made me more aware of their presence. And so I started thinking more about scars and the stories they tell...this one was from when I crashed during my first road race...this one was from when I thought there was no way I could crash twice in one week so I entered the Cherry Blossom and went down again...there's one I got from a stick that cut me when I was trying to cross a stream while geocaching and another from a CX race...these scars tell a story...my story. 

Today, I thought more about scars...the ones that no one else can see..the ones that live on the inside.

January 18: Hardware

January 17: yoga studio

January 16: special delivery