to feel alive

Last week I went to the Phillies game with a friend I hadn’t seen in quite some time. I drank beer, ate a lot of peanuts and stayed up WAY past my bedtime.

The next morning I was tired, but I woke up at the usual time and did all of the things I would normally do on a Thursday without a problem. That night was the happiest I have been in a long time. It was so nice to be out at the ballpark on a beautiful evening, people watching and catching up with an old friend. 

Part of me died in August of 2016. Since that time I feel as if I am just going through the motions. I still enjoy a sunset, but the colors are muted. That night at the ballpark was the most alive I have felt in a long time. Maybe that was just what I needed to start seeing all of the colors.

I didn’t complete a photo project in January so I’m going to do one this month. My goal is find one thing each week that makes me feel alive. Maybe there will be more than one.

Let’s see where this journey leads...

maintenance

About a year ago I contacted someone to calculate my macros. She asked me to answer some questions and take some photographs. A few days later, my numbers (proteins, fats and carbs) were returned to me.

In order to lose weight one must eat below a certain number of calories per day.

In order to gain weight one must eat above a certain number of calories per day.

That number is called “maintenance.”

Since dropping the last few stubborn pounds I have been sitting at maintenance...nothing above, nothing below...a flat line.

With that comes a certain degree of predictability, which suited me well during the months following my brother’s death. It allowed for structure during a time when everything felt like it was spiraling out of control. I am grateful for that.

Looking back, it is clear that I’ve been maintaining in more than one facet of my life.

I recently purchased a t-shirt. It has a donut on it (anyone who knows me knows the way I feel about donuts) and it says “Bulking Like a Boss.” I started lifting heavier, eating more and running less.

I am ready to move past maintenance.




“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be."
-May Sarton

subtraction

Occasionally, I need to access the printer which is located in my dad’s office. His desk is an absolute mess, littered with piles, papers and notes. 

The one that caught my eye most recently was his “daily schedule” which includes exercise, reading and meditation. It seems as though he is trying to incorporate some healthy practices into his life. That is admirable. What I don’t think he realizes is that well being is all about finding a balance. 

You can add a million positive things to your life but if you don't remove the negative ones you'll continue to spin your wheels.

the lucky ones

I just made my father cry. I didn’t mean to, but there was something that he needed to hear, whether he liked it or not. My delivery is not always the best, but my intentions are usually good.

Tomorrow would have been my brother’s 39th birthday. My parents will spend the day together, most likely doing something to help them forget the pain that comes with the loss of a child. I will spend the day alone, doing something to remember him (which will probably involve a trip to Wawa).

Last month, my dad made the decision (for no good reason) that he was “done with” his sister. I’ve heard my parents discuss this a couple times in recent weeks because it has put my mom an awkward position.

Tonight he was sitting in his chair and we were talking about tomorrow. He reminded me that it was Matt’s birthday. I told him that I knew and that Matt had been on my mind a lot lately. I went on to say this...I don’t know what you have going on with Aunt Barbara, but you are lucky to have a sister. I wish I had a brother. I’d give anything to have him back right now.

If you’re reading this and you have a sibling, consider yourself fortunate. Take the opportunity to let them know that.

Happy Birthday Matt

I think I need a sunrise...

In 2013 I began a project that involved taking one picture every day during the month of January. I didn’t do it this year. 

Lately, I’ve found myself struggling for something, anything to look forward to. This winter has felt particularly harsh, mentally, physically and emotionally. 

Sometimes I like to pretend that the clouds are mountains. For a few seconds,  I am no longer in NJ. It’s moments like these that I need more of right now. February is a short month and my goal is to draw inspiration from one thing each day.

memory lane

I’m listening to the Frank Sinatra Christmas Album. I remember playing the CD at our Christmas Eve open house, long before music could be streamed on sites like Pandora. My brother took a liking to it, which meant that during the month of December I’d routinely go hunting for it in his room. Christmas was his favorite holiday. 

This year seems to be a bit easier on my Mom. A couple weeks ago we took PATCO to Philly and saw the light show at Macy’s. The house is decorated a little bit. She even asked my dad to put up some lights outside. He declined, which leads me to believe that he is struggling right now. 

I am starting to realize that new people will constantly enter my life, unaware. This could result in awkwardness when asked about my holiday. It has become just another day. 

Today I was thinking about the holiday visits we would make to relatives during the week between Christmas and New Years. My brother and I always dreaded visiting my Father’s Aunt and Uncle. Their house was so boring, but they always gave us a crisp ten dollar bill, which made it worth it. The year we both received a Game Boy definitely made that visit much easier. 

The thing that I am the most sad about this year is that I don’t have anyone to reminisce with about these things. The thing that I am the most thankful for this year is that I have these memories, even if I can no longer share them with him.

suck it up buttercup

On January 1st of this year I began using exclusively cold water when showering. I wasn’t sure how long this would last. Starting during the cold winter months wasn’t exactly the best timing for this experiment. Yet, I persevered and have stuck with it for almost an entire year.

When I turn on the shower there are no surprises. I know that the water is going to be ice cold. I know that I have no choice but to embrace the chill. Skirting around the edges, dipping in my toe only delays the inevitable. It is best to dive in, head first, to immerse myself in the freezing water.

It has been an exercise in mental toughness. I don’t know how else to explain it. The benefit has been most noticeable on the days when I don’t feel like fulfilling my (personal and/or work related) responsibilities. This time last year I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. Now, it isn’t even an option.