The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

The phone rang last Thursday night. I didn’t recognize the number so I didn’t answer. A woman began to leave a message. I couldn’t tell what she was saying, but then I heard the words “Nancy” and “Ambulance.” My mom passed out at Zumba class and was vomiting. When I arrived, the paramedics had her on a stretcher and were preparing to take her to the hospital.

My dad took the keys to her car and drove to the hospital. I sat in my car...and then it hit me...I was alone. Usually, an event like this would be followed up with a call to my brother. We would talk about our parents and their health. He never felt good about living so far away from them, but took comfort in the fact that I was here.

This is the first Christmas without Matt. Something tells me that every Christmas from now on will not be the same. It’s something that I can’t explain. It’s something you would not understand unless you’ve lost someone this way. It’s something I hope you don’t ever have to experience.

I was too busy listening...

Last week I had dinner with a friend. At one point during our conversation she expressed her frustration with a coworker. The woman has a tendency to offer quotes to her students. It isn’t the idea that the woman shares these words that annoys my friend, it is that she has not lived them.  
 

I was too busy listening to reply. It seemed like that was what you needed at the time. Now, I have had some time to think about it. 

Maybe those words resonate with your coworker, not because she has lived them, but because they are what she strives to become. 
 

"The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply." - Stephen R. Covey

we are family

Thelma is one on my clients. I use the term “client” loosely because she is eighty years old and on a fixed income. Twice a week she will hop in on someone’s session. On Monday she came to the gym and put her jacket in a locker (unlocked). When she got home she discovered that her driver’s license and money were missing from the jacket. It could have been stolen, but it just as easily could have fallen out of her pocket somewhere. That is not the point. 

The incident was brought to my attention on Tuesday morning. My first reaction was to reach out to all of my clients. If we each chipped in $5 we could give Thelma a gift card to ShopRite, which is where she intended on spending the money that day. The response was overwhelming. I have collected double the amount that she lost. 

For the past two months, I have struggled greatly with the concept of family. On Tuesday, the way in which I define that word became abundantly clear.

flashes of something...

My long term memory has always been poor. Occasionally I'll recall random things without prompting. 

Today, The Hazelnator and I were on our afternoon walk and I remembered that I had an unused tampon collection in my high school gym locker. Not only did I have this collection, I also had taken a picture of it and had wallet size copies produced for my friends. Thankfully, I was able to find the photo to share. 

There will never be a need to defend the degree of awkwardness I possessed in high school.

lessons from my little brother

It’s been two months...

I’m trying not to be angry with the people who have not been here with me. I know that you would tell me that life is too short to hold on to things. The moon was amazing last night. I thought of you during my evening walk...and it’s totally cliche, but not a day passes without a thought of you.

Thank you for teaching me...to take the day off when the weather is nice...to drive a few more miles for a good milkshake(and to not feel guilty about having it)...to live life unfiltered.

Lately I have been feeling a little bit sorry for myself because there are so many things that I want to do, but don’t have anyone to share those experiences with...and I wish you were here to offer me some advice, even though I am pretty sure I know what you would say.

We are having an Indian Summer. Luckily, I haven’t put the top back on the Jeep. I went for a ride today to check out a local brewery and ended up at the beach. This summer was so hectic, I didn’t make it down there. It’s one of those places I’ve been meaning to go. Thanks for taking the drive with me.

CRCX 2016

I found myself in “winter mode” sooner than expected...maybe it was the Wawa Gobbler I had last week that prompted it.

Sunrise has gotten later which has prevented me from riding my bike to work. This week I have run more miles than I’ve ridden. I am feeling pretty good about the change and have already dropped a couple pounds.

Cooper River Cross is the closest race to home, which is why I didn’t hesitate to register...only to find myself having second thoughts on Friday night (while consuming a delicious vanilla milkshake). 

On Saturday morning I packed a gym bag, a bike bag and a cooler, then drove to the gym (bike in tow) for a session on the stair-mill. Five minutes into it, my decision was made. 

Unfortunately, racing this season has been nothing but paying for a workout and if I want to work out I can do it for free. Maybe next year will be different...I can only hope. It is unfortunate that something which once brought me so much happiness no longer makes me smile.

Of course that did not stop me from having pancakes at Amy’s Omelette House. I’ve had the French Toast many times and it is delicious, but the pancakes were just average.

Caffeinated CX 2016

After two solid efforts at Hippo CX, I arrived home a little after 6pm still needing to eat, walk the dog, shower and do yoga...then, wake up at 5AM, stand at registration for six hours and race my bike around Noon.

The guys on the team know I hate this course. I swear they make it more technical every year just to piss me off. There were steps, logs, a run up, sand and barriers which meant I was off my bike more than I was on it.

It was a well played weekend on my part. I knew that Sunday was going to be a long day so I did my “work” on Saturday. This allowed me to relax and even have a little bit of fun at my team’s race.

Post race pancakes were a short stack of buttermilk from Harrison House Diner. This place has been on my list for a couple years now and they did not disappoint.


Thanks to everyone who came out to either race or spectate. The team puts a lot of hard working into putting on this event. Your support is greatly appreciated!

Hippo CX 2016

Disclaimer: My success at this race is attributed to the vanilla milkshake (with extra whipped cream) that I had at Shake Shack on Friday afternoon.

The first thing I thought of when I realized my race was so late in the day was “Cool, I can do two workouts today.”  My plan was to get a run in early, then head to Lambertville. Racing twice has never been an option, but this year NJ added a Master Women 40+ Category which meant that I could race at 12:30pm and then again at 2:30pm. I decided to ditch the run and race twice.

I arrived in time to get a lap in before my first race. The course was short and fun. There were sections where you could really drill it with power as well as some punchy climbs on the back end. After winning the Masters Race, I quickly had Robin pin my number for the Women A Race before I changed my mind.

There was a little over an hour between races. I did my best to stay loose, knowing that the field would be competitive and I had never attempted a double. One thing I will say is that the first race was a good opportunity to experiment with different lines and gearing, which helped immensely because I get by on fitness not technique. After a brief battle for third place I pulled away and stayed there. It was nice to share the podium with so many talented ladies.

On the way home I stopped at It's Nutts only to discover that they did not serve breakfast all day. As a result, I continued south to a local diner for an order of chocolate chip pancakes to go. Unfortunately, they were just average, but I will say that the last one made for quite a delicious snack at 2AM.

What I said...

If someone were to ask my twelve year old self to name one thing that I have in common with my brother I’d be hard pressed to give a response. Even in my early twenties I’d struggle to answer that question.

Matt was intelligent, musically inclined and athletic...fashionable, good looking and popular...he was everything I was’t.

We became closer with age. From girls to guns, yoga to camping we learned that we had much more in common than our dislike of cheese (except of course, on pizza).

In August of 2012 we had the opportunity to share our mutual love for the outdoors, spending 10 days together at Glacier National Park. The memories we made on that trip are held close to my heart. 

Three months later, Matt had an emergency appendectomy and was diagnosed with cancer.

We kept in touch through emails, text, phone calls and visits. 

This year on his birthday I even sent him a good old fashioned letter...

If you’re reading this then that means I actually sent it.

Today is your birthday. Hopefully it was a better day for you than last year, which you spent in the hospital.

I’m glad that we had a chance to talk the last time I visited. It seems like you have made some sort of peace with your diagnosis. Perhaps that isn’t the best choice of words, but it’s all that comes to mind right now. You are doing the best you can with the hand you have been dealt. I admire you for that.

When we were growing up you were the fragile one. Mom always felt the need to protect you. Now, all I can see is your strength...and I am sure that I don’t even know half of what you have been through the last three and a half years.

The other day someone asked me how I was doing with all of this. Honestly, I haven’t processed it yet. I know that I worry about Mom and that my heart aches for Cliff...but I also know that the time we have right now is a gift...an opportunity to you show just how much I love you.

Keep fighting.

I made no attempt to conceal the emotional roller coaster our family has been on for the past four years. The journey has been well documented with titles such as “no peace” “pain cave” and “life, unfiltered.”

Life, unfiltered...this was the way Matt lived. He did not allow his diagnosis to define him. It was important for him to stay active and to keep working. 

His outlook was embodied in the words of one of my favorite quotes by Vivian Green, "Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass...it’s about learning to dance in the rain."

And now, for the unscripted part...

Matthew passed away peacefully late on the night of August 17th. The next day I asked my friends to watch the sunset with me and to share a photo of that sunset. I received close to 150 pictures from about 20 different states and created a slideshow (below). 

I have grown tired of hearing the words "I am sorry for your loss" because I did not lose anything. Matthew is still here with me. I see him in the setting sun each night.

My 42nd Year

Nittany, Hippo, Mill Creek, WhirlyBird, HPCX, Caffeinated, Fair Hill, Kutztown CX...CAAD X, SuperX, Mares CX...Halloween floods, last stop Houston, late night Walmart, Lake Lago Vista, mirrors everywhere, Longhorn Caverns...Tacodeli, Veracruz...Austin Beer Week...Wawa Gobbler...Kelly Green, Pinelands, Kane, Devil's Creek, Tonewood, Atco...Drink Local...Cannondale Habit, Ceres Park...PATCO, Phila Massages, draft latte...Pancakes and nines, Sig Sauer, Smith&Wesson, Glock...St. Edward’s Park, Pacha, 70 degrees in January, soccer...Vermont Creamery...Barnegat Lighthouse, Backward Flag...MyFitnessPal, food scale, macros, NASM, Maxx...The grass isn’t always greener...Towpath, treacherous, salad on pizza...Father's Day, Torchy's Tacos, scratch off lotto tickets...Barton Springs, airbnb, Congress Ave Bridge, bats, lost wallet...Independence Brewing, Zilker Brewing, Texas Coffee Traders, lumberjack blend...Geocaching, Whole Foods...Neat, go go...Pemi Loop over night...Flume, Liberty, Lincoln, Lafayette, Garfield, Galehead, South Twin, and the Bonds...Peanut M&M's, Bonk Breakers, chocolate covered espresso beans...Trail magic, finding dory...Lost wallet (again)...Lincoln New Hampshire, pizza at midnight, rest stop nap...Glacier National Park, 134 #milesformatt, Scenic Point, Sperry Glacier, Gunsight Pass, Firebrand Pass...Lake McDonald Lodge...Animal crackers, tempeh, huckleberries, pancakes for an appetizer, pancakes for dessert...ATV, Pole Bridge, bear claws...Justin Bieber, Fleetwood Mac, Foy Vance, Chicago...Sykes Diner...Great Northern, Bonsai, Flathead Lake...Chemo, Radiation...Cancer Sucks...Feathers, the fighter, life unfiltered...Hospice...Sunsets...I wish we had more time...

a different kind of hard

the kind they don’t tell you about

maybe it’s because there are no words to describe it
maybe because it’s not the same for everyone

it’s when you are angry but at peace; you are sad but happy

the memories that flash...the times you want to pick up the phone...the tears that fall on your pillow when you are trying to sleep at night

one month

it hasn’t gotten any easier

it’s just a different kind of hard

Fair Hill CX 2016

I registered for Fair Hill two months ago. What a wild ride it has been since then.

I spent the past week doubting my ability to race. For me, it’s much more of a mental strain than a physical one. Seeing so many friendly faces for the first time since my brother’s death was going to be an emotional experience. I knew that going into this race, which is why I made a deal with myself...get there early, ride a few laps and see how you feel. 

There were lots of hugs and a couple of tears, but I felt pretty good.

Maybe he had a hand in this or maybe he didn’t, but I’d like to think that today, it was my little brother who taught me that I am stronger than I think.

A fourth place finish, 120 ounces of water and I was on my way to Jo Jo’s Super Dogs for pancakes! I have no idea where this CX season is going to take me, but I do know that it will be delicious!

CX BLUES

Many of my friends are tackling their first cross race of the season today. I am sitting at my desk eating a peanut butter sandwich. I did ride my cx bike today, but only to work and commuting is hardly a substitute for training.

It was a rough summer, one that left me in no shape (physically or mentally) to race.

Instead of bagging the season I decided to shift my focus to pancakes. Races will be an opportunity to travel and eat pancakes. My first stop is next weekend at Jo Jo’s Super Dogs in Elkton, MD. 

I’ll also be wearing some special socks. Blue is the color for colon cancer awareness. That was the initial location of Matt’s cancer. He never let a diagnosis stand in the way. He did the best he could with what he had until the very end.

No excuses. See you next weekend.

from the gut

Sometimes it is good to sit with things, to allow for time, to process them so that you don't react without thinking.

BUT there are exceptions...

For the past two weeks I’ve grown tired of hearing the things that people think they should say.

Be here with me, not for me.

Don’t be sorry.

I have not lost anything. It' not a loss unless you allow it to be.

“You -you alone will have the stars as no one else has them...In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night...You -only you- will have stars that can laugh.”

- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

outlier

It was never in question...I will be giving the eulogy at Matt’s memorial service. Finding the right words hasn't come as easy as I had hoped. There are so many memories and stories to piece together, none of which are resulting in a neatly packaged finish project.

Growing up, my brother and I had very little in common. As adults we discovered our similarities, one of which was a love for the outdoors. My recent trip to Glacier was bittersweet because my favorite memories with Matt were on those trails.

I wanted to speak about this at his service, but the pieces didn’t fit. 

Friday July 29th was our last exchange...

I thought of you when I hiked to Grinnell Glacier today. I remember that you initially weren’t  going to go up  but you changed your mind and were glad you did. The glacier is even smaller than when we were there. I am thankful that we had the chance to take that trip Montana. I realized that even though mom and dad never took us to do this type of stuff we both ended up enjoying it which is pretty cool.

Thanks. I’m really glad we got to do it too. Just wish we had more time to do it again. Looks like you’re having fun. We can talk about it the next time you’re around.

We never got to have that conversation. I wish we had more time.

the fighter

Mom called to let me know that you were going into hospice. 

I’m sitting on a plane in Minneapolis, waiting to take off for Kalispell...surrounded by all of these people, but have never felt so alone. And I feel so guilty that I am headed to my “happy place” while you are in so much pain.

Every one of those 134 miles I hiked were for you. Every flower, every waterfall, every mountain pass, every sunrise and every sunset came with thoughts of you.

I was extremely nervous about what might happen to you while I was in the park and unable to communicate with Mom...but you held on...and I wanted to thank you for that...because I needed to be there...to see that Glacier again and to share it with you.

Mom said that your heart rate is starting to elevate, that you don’t have much time left and that if I want to see you that I should get on a flight immediately. So that’s what I did...even though I swore up and down that I did not want my last memory of you to be in a hospital bed. Somehow, I think you knew that...and I think that all you wanted was to know that I was coming to be there with Mom and Dad.

That afternoon, Mom told you that I was on my way. You opened your eyes and looked at her. She knew what it meant.

feathers

About a month ago I found a feather when I was walking the dog. 

I’m not sure why, but I picked it up and took it home. I don't believe in "signs" but I was curious. Later that evening, I read about the significance of finding a feather as well as what their colors mean.

Since then I have found several more. 

I have been walking the dog on the same route for over two years and have never found any feathers. Maybe they have been there all along, I just wasn’t paying attention.

#milesformatt

I hit the Gunsight Pass Trail shortly after 7AM. 

About three miles in I heard some rustling in the brush. It was a bull moose. I made some noise. He came closer. I took several steps away, started playing music and waited.

From there it was a fairly pleasant walk in the woods until I hit the pass and started to climb. There were a couple of snow hazards on the trail, one of which sent me on pretty gnarly detour. Then came the waterfalls.

A dry pair of socks and a peanut butter sandwich at the Sperry Chalet prepared me for the next round...(what I thought was)a two-ish mile hike to Sperry Glacier, then down to Lake Mc Donald Lodge.

BUT...One of the chalet employees kindly informed me that the hike to the glacier was FOUR miles, NOT the TWO I had anticipated.

AWESOME. 

I considered my options...add 8 miles onto a 20 mile hike OR be content with a 20 mile hike. Then I thought about the trip that my brother and I took to Grinnell Glacier. He almost didn’t join me, but changed his mind at the last minute because the opportunity might not present itself again.

And so I took the extra walk and I thought of him the entire way.

During my two weeks in the park I encountered several people on the trail who commented on the pace at which I hike...many think I go too fast to appreciate the scenery. What they don’t understand and quite frankly what no one understands is that this is where the pain goes away. 

2300 miles

2300 miles is a long way to travel. A trip to Glacier National Park requires proper planning.

Last year I was fortunate enough to have logged 105 miles, which isn’t as easy as it sounds. Some of the longer hikes are only 14 or 15 miles round trip.

I’d like to hit the century mark again this year. I spent a good amount of time looking at the calendar, where we would be staying each night, the mileage for each hike and created an itinerary.

When I was leaving work today I saw something that caught my eye. The words jumped at me from the page an open magazine “go where your routine can’t take you.”

So I came back home and started rethinking...Scenic Point, Cracker Lake, Firebrand Pass...this trip is going to be a little bit different. 

Stay tuned...

pain cave

there was too much sadness tonight so i left to go for a walk, but when i returned they were still talking about it. “i just lost my appetite” were the words i heard as i walked in the door.

i guess that is the way they deal with it. personally, i don’t see how it could make things any better. 

attempts to get a concrete response to any question that i ask have proved useless, so i stopped asking. there is still so much up in the air, so many unknowns. 

i guess that this is the way that i deal with it. this is such an isolating experience for me that sometimes i feel like my thoughts are all i have...and i never imagined that this is where they would materialize, but here they are...merely a whisper, when all i really want to do is yell.

blurry lines

the thing that sucks about being a grown up is that sometimes you have to bite your tongue when you really want to tell someone how it is

that you have to turn the other cheek when you really want to lash out

that you have to stay and endure the pain instead of just walking away

similar scenario, different response

you learn from your mistakes

sunset ii

I’m a morning person. It hasn’t always been that way. Maybe it started in college with early morning crew practice. 

I probably do more before 9am than most people do all day. I rarely sleep in. I never hit snooze.  

One of the things I take the greatest pleasure in is my morning bike commute to work. There is peace in the stillness. Sometimes, the only thing I can hear is my own breath. 

For as much as I enjoy the morning, I’ve never taken much interest in the sunrise. It just sort of happens while I am busy doing other things. 

On the other hand, sunset has a significant meaning to me. It began 2009 with a note from a friend (who has since passed away) that was written on a card with a picture of the sunset. 

It wasn’t just any sunset, it was a special sunset. It belonged to her friend’s father. 

Since then, I have never seen sunsets in the same way. I view them with purpose. There is sadness and beauty at the end of the day. The dichotomy suits me well.

Pemi Loop: lost and found

When I got to the car I couldn’t find my wallet.

For two days on the trail I had a lingering feeling that I had lost it. I couldn’t remember putting it my pack or in the console of the car. It wasn’t in my bags or under the seat. The last time I had it was when I went to the pay station to fill out the hang tag for parking. I must have placed it on top of the pay station when I was filling out the envelope and left it there.

It was around 7pm. The visitors center was closed. I was in Lincoln, NH, over 400 miles away from home with no money and not enough gas to make it home. The only food I had was a banana that had been sitting in the car for two days.

There was no cell phone reception in the parking lot. I drove down the road to the town of Lincoln and made a few phone calls that yielded me with a place to stay, a western union money transfer and an offer to fill my tank with gas and spot me some cash.

Things were looking up. 

About an hour later I am on 91 South (with cell phone service) and my emails come through. There is one from American Express about my recent call. I called customer service and explained my situation. They accessed my account and pulled up a note, which instructed me to call this number XXX-XXX-XXXX. I hung up and dialed. It was the Lincoln Police Department. The woman I spoke with said that someone had found my wallet and turned it in.

The good news was that they had my wallet.

The bad news was that I had to drive an hour back to Lincoln to pick it up.

This is the second time in a week that I have lost my wallet and had it returned to me. I decided that it’s a good idea to stop carrying cash...an even better idea would be to stop losing my wallet.

three simple phrases

I haven’t always done the best job at communicating with the people in my life that I care about...but, I have learned some valuable lessons along the way that have helped me fine tune my skills. 

One experience involved watching my aunt interact with my mom-mom in the final months of her life. It was too little, too late...nothing can make up for years of indifference. The other is the journey with my brother that my family has been on for the past four years. 

It started with learning how to say “I love you.” Since then, I’ve learned the importance of three simple phrases. 

It is for this reason I will always say...
“I am sorry” when I am wrong
“Thank you” when I appreciate you
“I love you” and mean it 

I don’t always live life to the fullest, but I do my best to make sure that I live it without regret.